After a lot of thought, I've decided to take a hiatus from this blog. I'm still trying to get a clear idea of what I want to use this blog for, and I think I'm a bit off track from what I want as of yet. My plan is to re-tool a bit, and then continue to post here but with more of a music and motherhood focus.
Until then, I hope you'll stop by the next blog I'm creating: The Wholeness Project. I'm putting it together as we speak, and I'm very excited about it! Please visit me at http://thewholenessproject.blogspot.com/. I'm hoping to have it up and running over the next week.
Thanks for reading!!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
God bless the broken road...
People that know me really well know that this has been a challenging year for me. It's been about a year since I left my job working for a church ministry. During the last few months of my tenure there, my world was rocked in ways I had never experienced before. Attacks came at me and my family, from people and places I never would have expected. I knew when I finally made the decision to leave that it was the right choice...did not make it any easier to do, though. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. People often say that the right thing isn't always the easy thing--it's true, I can attest. When I left the office on that last day, I thought I was turning over a new leaf, embarking on the path to healing and discovering God's true path for me.
Well, that is what He's doing right now, I'm convinced...but He never said that new path would be a direct route. God is taking me on the scenic route, the country road, the long way home. He's had me at a complete stop at several points, which is agonizing to me. I am always on the go, and it is so hard for me to slow down. But, He knows that.
He's had me stop to look around at the walls I've put up around myself, now crumbling because they are not from him. Walls to protect myself from failure, from being hurt, from truly succeeding at my dreams because I've not considered myself good enough to achieve them. These walls are falling apart, brick by brick. They need to come down.
He's had me stand on a hillside to see the gorgeous terrain that lies behind these walls--the plans He's got for me as a singer, as a teacher, as a mother, as a wife, as a person. And these plans are big and grand and far outweigh anything I could come up with. I just need to take down the walls first. I need to trust, let go, and know he's got it under control.
He's had me stop to look at the beautiful flowers planted on the journey: the tree of my marriage slowly growing stronger and higher. A beautiful rose-flowered bush for my daughter, dancing in the breeze. A strong, leafy, deep green plant for my son.
Of course, any time you plant things, you're going to get some weeds that pop up, no matter how you try to prevent them. They are pesky, prickly, inevitable. These plants need to be pruned and weeded so they can continue to grow strong and healthy. They need me to care for them, cultivate them, love them.
He's closed windows where the breeze was too drafty, many of them to my great disappointment. He's flung some wide open for me to enjoy the breeze, when I remember to slow down and really appreciate it. He's left a few doors, hidden along the path, cracked just a bit so I may choose to sneak in when I find them.
And he's shown me a beautiful lilac tree, set apart just a bit from the other elements. The tree had kind of a rough start-dealt with some bugs or weeds or rough weather at different points in its lifetime. But there it stands, still blooming and beautiful, the amazing scent drifting through the air. Overcoming its past and rising up towards the sunshine.
The tree, the plants, the walls: they all reveal some things I've needed to learn about myself. Having a rough past does not mean that I cannot bloom and grow and be beautiful. The closing of a window does not mean that I've failed God, or anyone else. My dreams and God's plans for me are not out of reach just because they're not in front of me yet. My worth does not come from me, or my peers, or even my family. It comes from God, who loved me so much that he gave his son for me.
Because of his love, I can keep dreaming. I can sing, and teach, and care for my family, and care for myself. He's given me these gifts, and if I remember to stand still long enough to listen, He will guide me. I do not have to hide. I can take down these walls. I can heal. I can find my heart. I can follow the path He's got set for me: straight, broken, or detour-filled.
I'm trying to work on our family's summer and fall schedules--Moms run the household! Summer is slowly coming together, but Fall seems to be a mystery, and I feel like it's being obscured from me for some reason. Now I think I understand why.
Well, that is what He's doing right now, I'm convinced...but He never said that new path would be a direct route. God is taking me on the scenic route, the country road, the long way home. He's had me at a complete stop at several points, which is agonizing to me. I am always on the go, and it is so hard for me to slow down. But, He knows that.
He's had me stop to look around at the walls I've put up around myself, now crumbling because they are not from him. Walls to protect myself from failure, from being hurt, from truly succeeding at my dreams because I've not considered myself good enough to achieve them. These walls are falling apart, brick by brick. They need to come down.
He's had me stand on a hillside to see the gorgeous terrain that lies behind these walls--the plans He's got for me as a singer, as a teacher, as a mother, as a wife, as a person. And these plans are big and grand and far outweigh anything I could come up with. I just need to take down the walls first. I need to trust, let go, and know he's got it under control.
He's had me stop to look at the beautiful flowers planted on the journey: the tree of my marriage slowly growing stronger and higher. A beautiful rose-flowered bush for my daughter, dancing in the breeze. A strong, leafy, deep green plant for my son.
Of course, any time you plant things, you're going to get some weeds that pop up, no matter how you try to prevent them. They are pesky, prickly, inevitable. These plants need to be pruned and weeded so they can continue to grow strong and healthy. They need me to care for them, cultivate them, love them.
He's closed windows where the breeze was too drafty, many of them to my great disappointment. He's flung some wide open for me to enjoy the breeze, when I remember to slow down and really appreciate it. He's left a few doors, hidden along the path, cracked just a bit so I may choose to sneak in when I find them.
And he's shown me a beautiful lilac tree, set apart just a bit from the other elements. The tree had kind of a rough start-dealt with some bugs or weeds or rough weather at different points in its lifetime. But there it stands, still blooming and beautiful, the amazing scent drifting through the air. Overcoming its past and rising up towards the sunshine.
The tree, the plants, the walls: they all reveal some things I've needed to learn about myself. Having a rough past does not mean that I cannot bloom and grow and be beautiful. The closing of a window does not mean that I've failed God, or anyone else. My dreams and God's plans for me are not out of reach just because they're not in front of me yet. My worth does not come from me, or my peers, or even my family. It comes from God, who loved me so much that he gave his son for me.
Because of his love, I can keep dreaming. I can sing, and teach, and care for my family, and care for myself. He's given me these gifts, and if I remember to stand still long enough to listen, He will guide me. I do not have to hide. I can take down these walls. I can heal. I can find my heart. I can follow the path He's got set for me: straight, broken, or detour-filled.
I'm trying to work on our family's summer and fall schedules--Moms run the household! Summer is slowly coming together, but Fall seems to be a mystery, and I feel like it's being obscured from me for some reason. Now I think I understand why.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
You, You, You Oughta Know...
I'm a huge fan of Facebook...some might call me an addict, but for today we'll go with "fan." I think one of my favorite things about the site is the wide selection of apps and activities. I've subscribed to the God Wants You To Know app since the beginning of my FB membership. The daily messages will very often resonate with a situation I'm facing or a feeling I'm working through. Some have been extremely poignant, and today's message was no exception. In fact, it's probably one of the most applicable messages I've received.
On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know...that your pains are God's way to rouse you from slumber.
Pain in your wake-up call to awaken, to look deeper into yourself, to adjust the course of your life. God tries to be as gentle as possible, and only if you ignore the call does your pain get stronger.
Ouch...literally!!
In general, there are very few days or stretches of time where I feel rested and energetic. I kind of just plod along, not very happy with where I am but apparently not uncomfortable enough to change it. Then, times like this happen. I started losing my voice, the mainstay of my job, on Saturday. Somehow I got enough of it back to be able to sing for Easter services, and then it started to fade again. By Monday morning it was totally gone. Then, to top it off, on Monday I developed severe stomach pain. I figured out, too late to remedy, that I was having a gall bladder attack even though my gall bladder was removed several years ago. If you eat too heavily or don't take care of yourself, you can still experience those heart attack-like symptoms because your bile ducts and liver are working overtime. I was in terrible pain most of the day and well past the time I usually go to sleep. Today, Tuesday, the majority of the pain is thankfully gone. I'm just left with the aftermath, that soreness that you'd feel after having the stomach flu or food poisoning.
Then this message came up...and totally ruined me. I've complained for what seems like forever about not feeling well, wanting to have energy and be confident with myself. In short, why can't I just feel BETTER??!! Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: you can talk the talk about wanting to change all you like, but when you keep going back to the same bad habits and expect a miraculously different result, you're going to be disappointed. Isn't that the tongue-in-cheek definition of insanity?? God laid it out on the table for me: Until you're willing to truly change your ways and step out of the comfort zone, you're going to constantly end up back at this point. And since I love you far too much to let you stay here, I'm going to remind you from time to time about the repercussion of your poor choices. Take a different path!!
This pain, which I've had quite a bit over the last few months, has been more bothersome each time. I'd thought it was the flu, or food poisoning. It's cost me money from cancelled lessons, time from laying on the couch, progress toward my goals for the need to rest and recuperate.
God is constantly finding ways to silence and still me so He can talk to me. I'm now fully convinced that each bout of laryngitis is an effort to do just that. So when that happens, I try not to get too discouraged, and instead I ask what He's trying to say. I think he wanted me especially silent and still to hear this big truth.
Read you loud and clear, God. Help me to stop, be silent, be still, and take a different path.
I'm listening...
On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know...that your pains are God's way to rouse you from slumber.
Pain in your wake-up call to awaken, to look deeper into yourself, to adjust the course of your life. God tries to be as gentle as possible, and only if you ignore the call does your pain get stronger.
Ouch...literally!!
In general, there are very few days or stretches of time where I feel rested and energetic. I kind of just plod along, not very happy with where I am but apparently not uncomfortable enough to change it. Then, times like this happen. I started losing my voice, the mainstay of my job, on Saturday. Somehow I got enough of it back to be able to sing for Easter services, and then it started to fade again. By Monday morning it was totally gone. Then, to top it off, on Monday I developed severe stomach pain. I figured out, too late to remedy, that I was having a gall bladder attack even though my gall bladder was removed several years ago. If you eat too heavily or don't take care of yourself, you can still experience those heart attack-like symptoms because your bile ducts and liver are working overtime. I was in terrible pain most of the day and well past the time I usually go to sleep. Today, Tuesday, the majority of the pain is thankfully gone. I'm just left with the aftermath, that soreness that you'd feel after having the stomach flu or food poisoning.
Then this message came up...and totally ruined me. I've complained for what seems like forever about not feeling well, wanting to have energy and be confident with myself. In short, why can't I just feel BETTER??!! Then it hit me like a ton of bricks: you can talk the talk about wanting to change all you like, but when you keep going back to the same bad habits and expect a miraculously different result, you're going to be disappointed. Isn't that the tongue-in-cheek definition of insanity?? God laid it out on the table for me: Until you're willing to truly change your ways and step out of the comfort zone, you're going to constantly end up back at this point. And since I love you far too much to let you stay here, I'm going to remind you from time to time about the repercussion of your poor choices. Take a different path!!
This pain, which I've had quite a bit over the last few months, has been more bothersome each time. I'd thought it was the flu, or food poisoning. It's cost me money from cancelled lessons, time from laying on the couch, progress toward my goals for the need to rest and recuperate.
God is constantly finding ways to silence and still me so He can talk to me. I'm now fully convinced that each bout of laryngitis is an effort to do just that. So when that happens, I try not to get too discouraged, and instead I ask what He's trying to say. I think he wanted me especially silent and still to hear this big truth.
Read you loud and clear, God. Help me to stop, be silent, be still, and take a different path.
I'm listening...
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I'm Not Perfect, No I'm Not....
I have a confession: I'm a perfectionist...or, as Kevin Leman describes in his book about birth order, I'm a disillusioned perfectionist.
This "confession" is likely no surprise to anyone who knows me well, but I mention it here tonight because I am fighting my perfectionist instinct like crazy. The perfectionist in me wants to delete this blog and start completely fresh, with the hopes that my new effort would prove to be "good enough." For what, I can't quite put in to words...but good enough nonetheless.
I am battling my inner perfectionist because this all-or-nothing instinct has created havoc in my life for a long time. Fear of doing something "wrong" has kept me from attempting many things in the past. Not being "perfect" has stopped me in my tracks with some pretty major goals: my weight loss, my vocal development, I could go on and on but the result is always the same.
See if you can relate: I recommit myself to my goal (insert goal here). I say that THIS is the time: the time I finally get it "right" and I achieve the amazing success that I so badly want. I'm worth it, I can do it!
And I start out pretty well...for a month...a week...a day...a few hours. Then I make the inevitable mistake. I eat something I know I shouldn't have. I skip a workout. I don't practice enough for my voice lesson. And instead of counting that for what it really is--a mistake--I let it build into this HUGE MOUNTAIN.
...and then I throw in the towel. I'm no longer good enough. What's wrong with me?? Why can't I accomplish this thing that I SAY I want?? I KNOW what to do! Why am I unable to make it happen?????????
And the battle goes on, and on, and on. Over and over, in every area of my life. The house isn't clean enough, my kids argue too much, I don't meet my husband's needs, I am unhealthy, I am overweight...with the core issue always being the same:
(I. am. just. not. good. enough.)
If you're out there and you can relate to this at all...I understand. I'm sure you, like me, would love so badly to be able to just let go of this silly thing!
But how do you begin to let go of something you can't even see? Don't even really understand?
I long more than anything to make 2011 a changing year in my life. I know that God has some amazing things in store for me around the bend...but to be ready for these opportunities I know I need to conquer these huge issues in my life.
So I'm not deleting this blog. And instead of all or none, I'm going to try and start thinking in terms of SOME. I'm not going to start this marathon trying to jump up and see the finish line.
I'm just going to start.
This "confession" is likely no surprise to anyone who knows me well, but I mention it here tonight because I am fighting my perfectionist instinct like crazy. The perfectionist in me wants to delete this blog and start completely fresh, with the hopes that my new effort would prove to be "good enough." For what, I can't quite put in to words...but good enough nonetheless.
I am battling my inner perfectionist because this all-or-nothing instinct has created havoc in my life for a long time. Fear of doing something "wrong" has kept me from attempting many things in the past. Not being "perfect" has stopped me in my tracks with some pretty major goals: my weight loss, my vocal development, I could go on and on but the result is always the same.
See if you can relate: I recommit myself to my goal (insert goal here). I say that THIS is the time: the time I finally get it "right" and I achieve the amazing success that I so badly want. I'm worth it, I can do it!
And I start out pretty well...for a month...a week...a day...a few hours. Then I make the inevitable mistake. I eat something I know I shouldn't have. I skip a workout. I don't practice enough for my voice lesson. And instead of counting that for what it really is--a mistake--I let it build into this HUGE MOUNTAIN.
...and then I throw in the towel. I'm no longer good enough. What's wrong with me?? Why can't I accomplish this thing that I SAY I want?? I KNOW what to do! Why am I unable to make it happen?????????
And the battle goes on, and on, and on. Over and over, in every area of my life. The house isn't clean enough, my kids argue too much, I don't meet my husband's needs, I am unhealthy, I am overweight...with the core issue always being the same:
(I. am. just. not. good. enough.)
If you're out there and you can relate to this at all...I understand. I'm sure you, like me, would love so badly to be able to just let go of this silly thing!
But how do you begin to let go of something you can't even see? Don't even really understand?
I long more than anything to make 2011 a changing year in my life. I know that God has some amazing things in store for me around the bend...but to be ready for these opportunities I know I need to conquer these huge issues in my life.
So I'm not deleting this blog. And instead of all or none, I'm going to try and start thinking in terms of SOME. I'm not going to start this marathon trying to jump up and see the finish line.
I'm just going to start.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The best of me is ready to begin...
I'm home sick today--feeling generally cruddy, despite starting probiotics and a multi-vitamin today. Guess you have to flush out the bad first, right?
So I dropped the kids off, came home and started sipping some coffee on the couch. I'm way behind on the DVR, so I turned on an episode of Losing It With Jillian. If you missed the show this summer, you should go to nbc.com and see if they have back episodes. It is really a great program!
Something that Jillian Michaels said on this particular episode struck a chord with me, so much so that I had to rewind and listen to the sentence again. She told the woman that she was helping that returning to yoga, which she had previously enjoyed, would be a great choice. It would be returning to something that is "the best of you." That phrase clicked off something in my head.
The best of you...
This thought has been traveling around with me all throughout these summer months-more often phrased as "the most accurate version of me." Looking around my house today, I am struck by how little my life and habits measure up to these phrases...
I am amazed at the excess we live in, and it's obvious as soon as you walk in the door: clutter, stuff we've outgrown, stuff we don't have a place for, new stuff never opened, food that's not good for us or our kids. And the biggest issue, our weight...or rather, "weights" that display themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Yet at the same time, there are so many things that are lacking, or in disrepair. We need to paint pretty much everywhere, the backyard is a mess, the front is untended. We don't sleep enough, play enough, relax enough, practice enough. How and why is it that we have so much excess in one area and yet other areas are so obviously lacking???
Is this anywhere CLOSE to the best of me?? What really IS the best of me? What is the best of my husband, my kids, our family? Where do we find it? How do we achieve it?
Jillian asked the woman, who was a smoker, if she loved her cigarettes more than her kids. As I was sipping my coffee, a long-time addiction even though it enhances my candida among other things, I was slapped in the face with the power of that question. YES I love my kids more than coffee, more than shopping, more than the foods I am allergic to. Why for so long has that not been enough? What am I looking for?
I haven't lost a lot of weight on this challenge yet, but finally the scale is starting to move a bit. But I'm realizing that these 90 days are about even more than numbers, even more than feeding other people. For so long, I have not been feeding myself...maybe because I decide others are more important, maybe because I decide I'm not worth the effort, maybe because I'm hiding. This is a new revelation to me...almost like I'm not even the one typing it.
As I enter my thirties, I so badly want to figure all this out. If I don't start feeding myself-in the ways my body and spirit need, not what I think I want-I will not be able to help others. I will not give my kids the example they need, the best one I can be. I will not achieve my goals of singing and teaching. I will not be the whole person that God has intended me to be.
What is the best of me?? Off to find out...
So I dropped the kids off, came home and started sipping some coffee on the couch. I'm way behind on the DVR, so I turned on an episode of Losing It With Jillian. If you missed the show this summer, you should go to nbc.com and see if they have back episodes. It is really a great program!
Something that Jillian Michaels said on this particular episode struck a chord with me, so much so that I had to rewind and listen to the sentence again. She told the woman that she was helping that returning to yoga, which she had previously enjoyed, would be a great choice. It would be returning to something that is "the best of you." That phrase clicked off something in my head.
The best of you...
This thought has been traveling around with me all throughout these summer months-more often phrased as "the most accurate version of me." Looking around my house today, I am struck by how little my life and habits measure up to these phrases...
I am amazed at the excess we live in, and it's obvious as soon as you walk in the door: clutter, stuff we've outgrown, stuff we don't have a place for, new stuff never opened, food that's not good for us or our kids. And the biggest issue, our weight...or rather, "weights" that display themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Yet at the same time, there are so many things that are lacking, or in disrepair. We need to paint pretty much everywhere, the backyard is a mess, the front is untended. We don't sleep enough, play enough, relax enough, practice enough. How and why is it that we have so much excess in one area and yet other areas are so obviously lacking???
Is this anywhere CLOSE to the best of me?? What really IS the best of me? What is the best of my husband, my kids, our family? Where do we find it? How do we achieve it?
Jillian asked the woman, who was a smoker, if she loved her cigarettes more than her kids. As I was sipping my coffee, a long-time addiction even though it enhances my candida among other things, I was slapped in the face with the power of that question. YES I love my kids more than coffee, more than shopping, more than the foods I am allergic to. Why for so long has that not been enough? What am I looking for?
I haven't lost a lot of weight on this challenge yet, but finally the scale is starting to move a bit. But I'm realizing that these 90 days are about even more than numbers, even more than feeding other people. For so long, I have not been feeding myself...maybe because I decide others are more important, maybe because I decide I'm not worth the effort, maybe because I'm hiding. This is a new revelation to me...almost like I'm not even the one typing it.
As I enter my thirties, I so badly want to figure all this out. If I don't start feeding myself-in the ways my body and spirit need, not what I think I want-I will not be able to help others. I will not give my kids the example they need, the best one I can be. I will not achieve my goals of singing and teaching. I will not be the whole person that God has intended me to be.
What is the best of me?? Off to find out...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
And I would walk 500 miles...
Actually, for the purpose of this entry, I'd need to change the lyrics to "and I would raise 500 meals."
Below is a letter that I sent out to some of my friends and family, and I also wanted to add it here. If you're reading and you're interested in helping, I would be so grateful!!
Dear Friends and Family-
I hope that this letter finds you all well and enjoying your summer! I am writing to you to let you know about a project I am taking on over the next few months.
Starting on August 7th, I will be participating in the 90-Day Weight Loss Challenge sponsored by Lifetime Fitness. This program will continue through November 4th, and the male, female, couple, and youth with the highest weight loss will be declared the winners. I am really excited but nervous about participating in this program! I know that my family and I will get a lot out of my efforts, but I decided that the benefits of this experience shouldn’t stop there. That’s where you come in…but first, a little more background.
David Stupay, the Chairman of Global Family Rescue and a friend of mine on Facebook, posted a link this weekend that captured my attention. Table for Two, a non-profit organization, was started because of a grave imbalance in our world. According to the website, “In our world of 6 billion, 1 billion suffer from hunger, while another 1 billion suffer from obesity and other life-style related diseases.” My reaction to finding out that I am part of the 1 billion causing the imbalance is indescribable. For too long I’ve been living out of balance, in excess. It not only affects my immediate life (my family, my career, my life) but it affects the world.
For every pound that I lose during the 90-Day Challenge, I will be donating two dollars to Table for Two, or an equivalent organization. According to their website, as well as many other sites I’ve researched, it takes about 20 cents to provide a meal for a hungry child. So, for every pound I can shed, 10 people will be fed. My goal, by the end of the challenge, is to have raised enough to provide for 500 meals. I won’t be able to do this alone…remember when I said that’s where you would come in?
I would be so honored if you would choose to partner with me in this challenge! You can do this in a number of ways. You can:
· Sponsor me by pledging an additional amount for each pound I lose.
· Join me and participate in the 90-Day Challenge, pledging your own weight and dollar
amount. Please let me know before August 7th.
· Pray for me as I begin this process of changing myself and helping others.
Please let me know if you have any questions or are willing to join me in this challenge. Thank you so much in advance for your time, your thoughts, and your help!
Jennifer
Below is a letter that I sent out to some of my friends and family, and I also wanted to add it here. If you're reading and you're interested in helping, I would be so grateful!!
Dear Friends and Family-
I hope that this letter finds you all well and enjoying your summer! I am writing to you to let you know about a project I am taking on over the next few months.
Starting on August 7th, I will be participating in the 90-Day Weight Loss Challenge sponsored by Lifetime Fitness. This program will continue through November 4th, and the male, female, couple, and youth with the highest weight loss will be declared the winners. I am really excited but nervous about participating in this program! I know that my family and I will get a lot out of my efforts, but I decided that the benefits of this experience shouldn’t stop there. That’s where you come in…but first, a little more background.
David Stupay, the Chairman of Global Family Rescue and a friend of mine on Facebook, posted a link this weekend that captured my attention. Table for Two, a non-profit organization, was started because of a grave imbalance in our world. According to the website, “In our world of 6 billion, 1 billion suffer from hunger, while another 1 billion suffer from obesity and other life-style related diseases.” My reaction to finding out that I am part of the 1 billion causing the imbalance is indescribable. For too long I’ve been living out of balance, in excess. It not only affects my immediate life (my family, my career, my life) but it affects the world.
For every pound that I lose during the 90-Day Challenge, I will be donating two dollars to Table for Two, or an equivalent organization. According to their website, as well as many other sites I’ve researched, it takes about 20 cents to provide a meal for a hungry child. So, for every pound I can shed, 10 people will be fed. My goal, by the end of the challenge, is to have raised enough to provide for 500 meals. I won’t be able to do this alone…remember when I said that’s where you would come in?
I would be so honored if you would choose to partner with me in this challenge! You can do this in a number of ways. You can:
· Sponsor me by pledging an additional amount for each pound I lose.
· Join me and participate in the 90-Day Challenge, pledging your own weight and dollar
amount. Please let me know before August 7th.
· Pray for me as I begin this process of changing myself and helping others.
Please let me know if you have any questions or are willing to join me in this challenge. Thank you so much in advance for your time, your thoughts, and your help!
Jennifer
Saturday, July 24, 2010
This Little Light of Mine...
Today I headed to Chicago, about an hour drive from my house, for my bi-weekly voice lesson. This time, I got to brave some not-so-hot weather, closed roads, and occasional flooding. Making it safely to my teacher's house, one of my favorite places to be, I headed straight into my lesson.
The lesson wasn't without its challenges. I've been dealing with symptoms of TMJ for a while, which have become more severe this past month. After singing for a while, or singing a lot of higher notes, my jaw muscles begin to flare up. I've been working on the same song pretty much all summer, and while it's slowly been improving, it's been a frustrating process. Today's lesson was my best performance of that aria to date: not anywhere near done, but a marked improvement!
I left my lesson tired, sore, but with a great sense of accomplishment. I had made some progress! This work I've been doing is starting to pay off! And if I buckle down, get more regular with my practicing, and work harder, I can push through these obstacles and make something of this voice.
As I drove back through the city around Lake Shore Drive, happily admiring the cityscape, I was filled with this amazing sense of peace. Flooded with it. I LOVE that feeling of happiness, of satisfaction, of being right with the world. It seems to flow down into every corner of my being. It reaffirms that, as far as my music goes, this is what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be...
I have been going through such a crisis of identity, probably for a very long time. In part, I've not felt that I was good or worthy enough to have my own opinion, my own identity. As I have (very) slowly started to accept the fact that I AM worthy, the issue then becomes a lot bigger:
Who AM I, really?? What am I meant to do? Who am I really meant to be?
Driving into the city today, I remembered to bring my new glasses, finally back from the optometrist (big old thanks to my dog for that). I am simply in love with my glasses-they are the nicest pair I have ever owned, and I've worn glasses since I was 4 years old. I looked at myself in my teacher's bathroom mirror, and in my awesome glasses, favorite grey t-shirt, and dark jeans, I felt like an accurate version of myself. There's more than one: I also feel most myself snazzed up at Lyric Opera, sporting my lorgnette opera glasses and chatting with my sister. I feel myself singing on stage, whether in costume or just nicely pulled together. I feel myself when I'm cuddling with my kids.
I'm trying to remember some of the things that people tell me I'm good at or what they appreciate about me, to help me in this whole search for identity. I'm classy, I work hard, I have high standards. I love researching, reading, organizing, singing. I'm a good listener. I'm trying to run through words in my mind that I would like to say are descriptive of me: sophisticated, fine, pulled together, responsible, honest, smart, friendly. Diva, divine -- and yes, BOTH of those are actually good qualities.
I'm entitled to have my own opinion. I'm allowed to pursue my dreams. I am worthy of discovering my identity, and not only embracing it, but not worrying about being outcast because of it. I may be weird, I may be quirky, but that's part of what makes me ME. And it's time to stop running away from that, time to make the choice to let that shine.
The lesson wasn't without its challenges. I've been dealing with symptoms of TMJ for a while, which have become more severe this past month. After singing for a while, or singing a lot of higher notes, my jaw muscles begin to flare up. I've been working on the same song pretty much all summer, and while it's slowly been improving, it's been a frustrating process. Today's lesson was my best performance of that aria to date: not anywhere near done, but a marked improvement!
I left my lesson tired, sore, but with a great sense of accomplishment. I had made some progress! This work I've been doing is starting to pay off! And if I buckle down, get more regular with my practicing, and work harder, I can push through these obstacles and make something of this voice.
As I drove back through the city around Lake Shore Drive, happily admiring the cityscape, I was filled with this amazing sense of peace. Flooded with it. I LOVE that feeling of happiness, of satisfaction, of being right with the world. It seems to flow down into every corner of my being. It reaffirms that, as far as my music goes, this is what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be...
I have been going through such a crisis of identity, probably for a very long time. In part, I've not felt that I was good or worthy enough to have my own opinion, my own identity. As I have (very) slowly started to accept the fact that I AM worthy, the issue then becomes a lot bigger:
Who AM I, really?? What am I meant to do? Who am I really meant to be?
Driving into the city today, I remembered to bring my new glasses, finally back from the optometrist (big old thanks to my dog for that). I am simply in love with my glasses-they are the nicest pair I have ever owned, and I've worn glasses since I was 4 years old. I looked at myself in my teacher's bathroom mirror, and in my awesome glasses, favorite grey t-shirt, and dark jeans, I felt like an accurate version of myself. There's more than one: I also feel most myself snazzed up at Lyric Opera, sporting my lorgnette opera glasses and chatting with my sister. I feel myself singing on stage, whether in costume or just nicely pulled together. I feel myself when I'm cuddling with my kids.
I'm trying to remember some of the things that people tell me I'm good at or what they appreciate about me, to help me in this whole search for identity. I'm classy, I work hard, I have high standards. I love researching, reading, organizing, singing. I'm a good listener. I'm trying to run through words in my mind that I would like to say are descriptive of me: sophisticated, fine, pulled together, responsible, honest, smart, friendly. Diva, divine -- and yes, BOTH of those are actually good qualities.
I'm entitled to have my own opinion. I'm allowed to pursue my dreams. I am worthy of discovering my identity, and not only embracing it, but not worrying about being outcast because of it. I may be weird, I may be quirky, but that's part of what makes me ME. And it's time to stop running away from that, time to make the choice to let that shine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
