I'm Not Perfect, No I'm Not....

I have a confession: I'm a perfectionist...or, as Kevin Leman describes in his book about birth order, I'm a disillusioned perfectionist.

This "confession" is likely no surprise to anyone who knows me well, but I mention it here tonight because I am fighting my perfectionist instinct like crazy. The perfectionist in me wants to delete this blog and start completely fresh, with the hopes that my new effort would prove to be "good enough." For what, I can't quite put in to words...but good enough nonetheless.

I am battling my inner perfectionist because this all-or-nothing instinct has created havoc in my life for a long time. Fear of doing something "wrong" has kept me from attempting many things in the past. Not being "perfect" has stopped me in my tracks with some pretty major goals: my weight loss, my vocal development, I could go on and on but the result is always the same.

See if you can relate: I recommit myself to my goal (insert goal here). I say that THIS is the time: the time I finally get it "right" and I achieve the amazing success that I so badly want. I'm worth it, I can do it!

And I start out pretty well...for a month...a week...a day...a few hours. Then I make the inevitable mistake. I eat something I know I shouldn't have. I skip a workout. I don't practice enough for my voice lesson. And instead of counting that for what it really is--a mistake--I let it build into this HUGE MOUNTAIN.

...and then I throw in the towel. I'm no longer good enough. What's wrong with me?? Why can't I accomplish this thing that I SAY I want?? I KNOW what to do! Why am I unable to make it happen?????????

And the battle goes on, and on, and on. Over and over, in every area of my life. The house isn't clean enough, my kids argue too much, I don't meet my husband's needs, I am unhealthy, I am overweight...with the core issue always being the same:

(I. am. just. not. good. enough.)

If you're out there and you can relate to this at all...I understand. I'm sure you, like me, would love so badly to be able to just let go of this silly thing!

But how do you begin to let go of something you can't even see? Don't even really understand?

I long more than anything to make 2011 a changing year in my life. I know that God has some amazing things in store for me around the bend...but to be ready for these opportunities I know I need to conquer these huge issues in my life.

So I'm not deleting this blog. And instead of all or none, I'm going to try and start thinking in terms of SOME. I'm not going to start this marathon trying to jump up and see the finish line.

I'm just going to start.