Well, maybe not in terms of my weight, but it definitely is spiritually!
Posting my starting weight (can't believe I'm doing it, but I am) here so I can keep track. I'm also going to post my goal weight so I can remember that there IS a finish line.
Remember Jen: this is a journey, and that's what it's all about. It will take time, there will be both smooth and bumpy stretches. You will make mistakes some of the time...but you get up, dust yourself off, and try again.
Each day will have its own challenges, but you can handle them. You've got the power of THREE on your side!!! In Him, you cannot fail. You can do all things...
START June 28: 237.4
Goal weight: Between 160 and 150 ultimately, right now goal at the gym is in the 170s.
Some of my fitness goals:
* To run in the 5K my church sponsors in October
* To take up dancing with the hubby
* To keep up with my kids at the park
General Goals:
* To not be exhausted at the end of every day
* To alleviate some of the allergy issues I have caused by food sensitivities
* To improve my singing through better health and muscle strength
Are we ready? Yes? Good! ON we go!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
This is where the healing begins...
This Wednesday, my husband and I will be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary. Seems like it's been such a long time together...and at the same time, I'm often shocked to be married at all. I'm amazed that, despite my rocky past and poor marital examples, God would see fit to provide me with a partner at all. Even better and more amazing, he gave me a partner who LOVES me UNCONDITIONALLY...even though I can't do that for myself. I have a Try-On-30-Outfits-Before-Finding-One-That-Fits Day, he doesn't care. I add even more weight to my frame after leaving my job last month, he doesn't care.
This is astonishing to me for a NUMBER of reasons, the top two being that 1) No male figure in my life ever seemed to love me unconditionally; and 2) I have rock-bottom self-esteem and severe body consciousness, so I do NOT feel this way about myself. I've tried for a long time to change this, but it has been a constant thorn in my side.
As I have posted before, this past year has been eye-opening for me. I have really come to see just how deeply this no self-esteem, can't measure up, not good enough thing really goes. It affects everything I say, everything I do, everything I DON'T do. It has kept me from meeting goals, pursuing friendships, simply feeling comfortable in my own skin.
THIS. WILL. CHANGE. STARTING. NOW.
Tenth Avenue North sings: This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts. When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.
I am devoting this next year -- of my marriage, life, self -- to healing. I am going to begin to tackle the not good enough thing, so I can begin to achieve my goals and pursue my callings. I am going to learn, to eat better and move more, so that I have energy for my kids. I am going to use those things I KNOW I'm good at to help me with those areas I KNOW I am terrible with or avoid altogether.
I am going to work on loving myself...so I can feel comfortable in my own skin. So I can find my worth outside of what I feel others think of me. So that I know that I am worthy of being successful and feeling good and just having my own opinion about things!
Next year, on our tenth anniversary, my husband and I would like to renew our vows. Right now, we're thinking on the beach in North Carolina at our annual vacation spot. This is a major milestone for most people, even more for me as we will have surpassed the point at which my parents divorced. We will be entering new territory.
I want to walk -- down the aisle, beach, whatever -- transformed. Changed physically, emotionally, spiritually. I want to enter these next ten years and beyond KNOWING that I am beautiful, that I am good enough, that I am worthy of success and happiness. Not weighed down by body weight or such extensive emotional baggage. Breaking down the walls, breathing in some fresh air.
Healing.
Dear readers (which, I think as of this writing, you number one), are you willing to partner with me on this journey?? I know from experience that I need support, I need accountability, I need people that love me unconditionally and won't give up on me through this process.
Can you help?? Who knows? Maybe we can heal together!
THIS is where the healing begins....
This is astonishing to me for a NUMBER of reasons, the top two being that 1) No male figure in my life ever seemed to love me unconditionally; and 2) I have rock-bottom self-esteem and severe body consciousness, so I do NOT feel this way about myself. I've tried for a long time to change this, but it has been a constant thorn in my side.
As I have posted before, this past year has been eye-opening for me. I have really come to see just how deeply this no self-esteem, can't measure up, not good enough thing really goes. It affects everything I say, everything I do, everything I DON'T do. It has kept me from meeting goals, pursuing friendships, simply feeling comfortable in my own skin.
THIS. WILL. CHANGE. STARTING. NOW.
Tenth Avenue North sings: This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts. When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.
I am devoting this next year -- of my marriage, life, self -- to healing. I am going to begin to tackle the not good enough thing, so I can begin to achieve my goals and pursue my callings. I am going to learn, to eat better and move more, so that I have energy for my kids. I am going to use those things I KNOW I'm good at to help me with those areas I KNOW I am terrible with or avoid altogether.
I am going to work on loving myself...so I can feel comfortable in my own skin. So I can find my worth outside of what I feel others think of me. So that I know that I am worthy of being successful and feeling good and just having my own opinion about things!
Next year, on our tenth anniversary, my husband and I would like to renew our vows. Right now, we're thinking on the beach in North Carolina at our annual vacation spot. This is a major milestone for most people, even more for me as we will have surpassed the point at which my parents divorced. We will be entering new territory.
I want to walk -- down the aisle, beach, whatever -- transformed. Changed physically, emotionally, spiritually. I want to enter these next ten years and beyond KNOWING that I am beautiful, that I am good enough, that I am worthy of success and happiness. Not weighed down by body weight or such extensive emotional baggage. Breaking down the walls, breathing in some fresh air.
Healing.
Dear readers (which, I think as of this writing, you number one), are you willing to partner with me on this journey?? I know from experience that I need support, I need accountability, I need people that love me unconditionally and won't give up on me through this process.
Can you help?? Who knows? Maybe we can heal together!
THIS is where the healing begins....
Friday, June 18, 2010
Poor Wandring Ones (aka Fill My Cup)
Dear Poor Neglected Bibles:
Tonight's post is for you. I am so sorry for my absence. Truly, I don't know what I was thinking...well maybe that's not totally accurate. I was probably thinking of a combination of I'm Too Busy, I'm Too Stressed, I'm Too Tired, and I Can Handle It On My Own.
And yet, despite my combo-platter attitude, God keeps calling me back your way through various situations. The book on vacation, the music I listen to, my endless search for direction, for peace.
That's why one of the first verses I read tonight (on my Living Word app for iPhone) caught me hook, line, and sinker.
1 Corinthians 14:33 says, "for God is not a God of disorder but of peace." Out of the three versions I checked, that line doesn't really change much.
I happen to crave peace like I crave coffee in the morning, like I crave a clean house, a tidy schedule, a more shapely waistline. I would absolutely love some semblance of peace in my life.
So I read on...
In my limited Bible history, I've found that I relate best to the writings of Paul, especially the book of Ephesians. So that was my next stop this evening: checked out 1: 18-19 which I love. Then I came up to what is now one of my most favorite sections: 3: 14-21. I read this section over and over and over, feeling more refreshed each time. Verse 18 really gets me: and may you have the power to understand...how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is (NLT). Brings to mind some really old Point of Grace songs as I type.
What I especially love, dear bibles, is that sometimes the notes about a certain verse resonate with me even more than the verses themselves. One note for verse 19 now has some ballpoint pen emphasis (hope you don't mind, bible) as it caught my eye and I could not stop reading it:
"We have all the fullness of God available to us. But we must appropriate that fullness through faith and through prayer as we daily live for him." (NIV)
Ugh. Stop. Reread. Stop. Reread again.
I haven't been getting my fullness from God. Lately I've been getting it from food, from tasks, from doing things my own way. Especially the food, though. Most of my life I have been very body conscious (stories for another post) and the low self-esteem and emotional eating issues I have like to carpool with body consciousness. I eat things I know I'm allergic or sensitive to because that's what I crave: when I'm stressed, happy, tired, sad, frustrated, lonely, not prepared. I often eat till I ache from being OVER-full, even though I know better, but I do it to feel something. Only when I'm done I usually feel guilt, remorse, anger towards myself, allergy symptoms, a nasty stomach ache.
I never talk about this...I can't believe I was even able to type it.
None of that is from God. He's been trying to reach out to me and get my attention, and I hold on so tightly so my own wants and habits that I've tuned it out. I want SOMETHING in my life to be easy! Why can't this be easy??!!
Then this footnote comes along: I can have fullness in God. It's totally available. I just have to seek it, pray for it, trust in HIM.
So, can I open my cleanched fists enough to let go?? Can I LET GO and LET GOD???
Thanks again, Bibles. See you tomorrow.
Tonight's post is for you. I am so sorry for my absence. Truly, I don't know what I was thinking...well maybe that's not totally accurate. I was probably thinking of a combination of I'm Too Busy, I'm Too Stressed, I'm Too Tired, and I Can Handle It On My Own.
And yet, despite my combo-platter attitude, God keeps calling me back your way through various situations. The book on vacation, the music I listen to, my endless search for direction, for peace.
That's why one of the first verses I read tonight (on my Living Word app for iPhone) caught me hook, line, and sinker.
1 Corinthians 14:33 says, "for God is not a God of disorder but of peace." Out of the three versions I checked, that line doesn't really change much.
I happen to crave peace like I crave coffee in the morning, like I crave a clean house, a tidy schedule, a more shapely waistline. I would absolutely love some semblance of peace in my life.
So I read on...
In my limited Bible history, I've found that I relate best to the writings of Paul, especially the book of Ephesians. So that was my next stop this evening: checked out 1: 18-19 which I love. Then I came up to what is now one of my most favorite sections: 3: 14-21. I read this section over and over and over, feeling more refreshed each time. Verse 18 really gets me: and may you have the power to understand...how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is (NLT). Brings to mind some really old Point of Grace songs as I type.
What I especially love, dear bibles, is that sometimes the notes about a certain verse resonate with me even more than the verses themselves. One note for verse 19 now has some ballpoint pen emphasis (hope you don't mind, bible) as it caught my eye and I could not stop reading it:
"We have all the fullness of God available to us. But we must appropriate that fullness through faith and through prayer as we daily live for him." (NIV)
Ugh. Stop. Reread. Stop. Reread again.
I haven't been getting my fullness from God. Lately I've been getting it from food, from tasks, from doing things my own way. Especially the food, though. Most of my life I have been very body conscious (stories for another post) and the low self-esteem and emotional eating issues I have like to carpool with body consciousness. I eat things I know I'm allergic or sensitive to because that's what I crave: when I'm stressed, happy, tired, sad, frustrated, lonely, not prepared. I often eat till I ache from being OVER-full, even though I know better, but I do it to feel something. Only when I'm done I usually feel guilt, remorse, anger towards myself, allergy symptoms, a nasty stomach ache.
I never talk about this...I can't believe I was even able to type it.
None of that is from God. He's been trying to reach out to me and get my attention, and I hold on so tightly so my own wants and habits that I've tuned it out. I want SOMETHING in my life to be easy! Why can't this be easy??!!
Then this footnote comes along: I can have fullness in God. It's totally available. I just have to seek it, pray for it, trust in HIM.
So, can I open my cleanched fists enough to let go?? Can I LET GO and LET GOD???
Thanks again, Bibles. See you tomorrow.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Change my heart, oh God. Make it ever true...
This is the third year that my family and I have made the 18-hour trek to the Outer Banks of North Carolina, staying in a rented house near the ocean for a week of relaxation. If you've never been out this way, I highly recommend it. Life goes at a much slower pace here...not something I could live with always but definitely a nice breather, and definitely something I should do more in my daily life!
Each year, I bring a HUGE bag of books with me on the trip. I love nothing more than to curl up in a comfy chair and plow through the books I've brought. Last year I finished a record six and a half books during the trip (that last one was a "deep" read: Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson). It was fantastic!!
This year, hoping to beat that record, I packed a ton of books just aching to be read. I was so looking forward to it. But as of today, when our trip is starting to wind down, I have not completed even one book start to finish. A variety of things distracted me -- I drove much longer than I usually do the first day, I couldn't seem to find a quiet spot, I couldn't get in to the books I had picked, my tired body won out over my eager mind.
I was really starting to get frustrated! I mean, I look forward to this Read-A-Palooza all year long! What the hey???
Then, I believe on Tuesday evening, I was walking around the beach house looking through the various baskets of activities the owners had provided, and a bright red book caught my eye. An obviously older print (the cover style gave it away), the title called out to me and would not let me close that bin without pulling out the book. Thus, "Lord, Change Me" by Evelyn Christenson is the ONLY book this trip that I have come close to starting and finishing.
Check it out for yourself at www.evelynchristensonministries.org
I was hooked almost from the beginning into the author's true story about her fervent prayers to God for SELF-CHANGE, as opposed to changing the people around her. Her kids, her husband, her situation is not the issue...SHE is the issue, and SHE is the only aspect that she has any power to change. Everything and everyone else must answer to God, not her. She describes the freedom and release that came over a 14-month period, just from this simple 3-word request.
I'm sad I will have to leave this book behind, as I don't think I'll finish it before we leave Saturday, but I know it's one I will be adding to my collection, completing this summer, and truly taking to heart.
After reading the first few chapters, on a night that I couldn't seem to fall asleep, the word to an old Maranatha church song came into my head, so fitting for this book, this summer:
Change my heart, oh God. Make it ever true. Change my heart oh God. May I be like you. You are the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me, this is what I pray.
...this is going to be an amazing summer--for me, for my relationships, for my family. I can feel it, sense it, almost taste it. It won't be without its share of hard work, but the results, I think, will astound everyone.
Change ME, God. May I be like you.
Each year, I bring a HUGE bag of books with me on the trip. I love nothing more than to curl up in a comfy chair and plow through the books I've brought. Last year I finished a record six and a half books during the trip (that last one was a "deep" read: Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson). It was fantastic!!
This year, hoping to beat that record, I packed a ton of books just aching to be read. I was so looking forward to it. But as of today, when our trip is starting to wind down, I have not completed even one book start to finish. A variety of things distracted me -- I drove much longer than I usually do the first day, I couldn't seem to find a quiet spot, I couldn't get in to the books I had picked, my tired body won out over my eager mind.
I was really starting to get frustrated! I mean, I look forward to this Read-A-Palooza all year long! What the hey???
Then, I believe on Tuesday evening, I was walking around the beach house looking through the various baskets of activities the owners had provided, and a bright red book caught my eye. An obviously older print (the cover style gave it away), the title called out to me and would not let me close that bin without pulling out the book. Thus, "Lord, Change Me" by Evelyn Christenson is the ONLY book this trip that I have come close to starting and finishing.
Check it out for yourself at www.evelynchristensonministries.org
I was hooked almost from the beginning into the author's true story about her fervent prayers to God for SELF-CHANGE, as opposed to changing the people around her. Her kids, her husband, her situation is not the issue...SHE is the issue, and SHE is the only aspect that she has any power to change. Everything and everyone else must answer to God, not her. She describes the freedom and release that came over a 14-month period, just from this simple 3-word request.
I'm sad I will have to leave this book behind, as I don't think I'll finish it before we leave Saturday, but I know it's one I will be adding to my collection, completing this summer, and truly taking to heart.
After reading the first few chapters, on a night that I couldn't seem to fall asleep, the word to an old Maranatha church song came into my head, so fitting for this book, this summer:
Change my heart, oh God. Make it ever true. Change my heart oh God. May I be like you. You are the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me, this is what I pray.
...this is going to be an amazing summer--for me, for my relationships, for my family. I can feel it, sense it, almost taste it. It won't be without its share of hard work, but the results, I think, will astound everyone.
Change ME, God. May I be like you.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Does anybody really know what time it is??
This morning we needed to leave the house at oh-dark-thirty (college phrase for super freaking early) to start our family vacation, and despite the fact that I set my alarm for over an hour in advance of that time, my alarm clock must have thought I was crazy and it decided not to go off. Instead I was left with only 30 minutes to get cleaned up and get our family of four out of the house and to our meeting spot, which was 10 minutes away. Thanks so much.
Yet, somehow in the midst of my feeling stressed, frazzled, and upset at my alarm, I could not help but smile and see the God-work that this past week had produced. This week's entry comes to us courtesy of my awesome 3-year-old Aiden Joseph and my not-so-awesome dog Wrigley.
Let's step back a bit (Back-Story Time, for all you Phineas and Ferb fans)--
The past month or so, my awesome son Aiden was awake and raring to go with the dawn, and he wanted me to do the same. However, the dawn was occurring around 5:30 each morning...not a time that I was real pleased about being up. I became so tired and cranky from the repeated nights of sleep cut short, I did the ultimate deal-breaker.
I posted about it on Facebook. And that's where our lesson for the week starts.
Earlier this week, my awesome son Aiden decided that 5:30 wasn't working out too well...so he moved up my first wake-up call. To 1:00 in the morning. And he came back in to my room many times after that, finally settling back down about 2:00. Suddenly, 5:30 didn't seem so bad!
Early Thursday morning, I was challenged again, this time by my not-so-awesome dog Wrigley. At 3:00 in the morning (just after putting Aiden back down) we were woken up by an awful smell. After investigating, we found that Wrigley had gotten sick in her dog crate. She tried not to mess herself up, but she's a big dog so that was not an option. We had to take her outside, clean the crate, clean her, and try to fall back asleep...which never happened. After that, I began to long for my 5:30 wake-up call! (I should clarify, I did feel bad for Wrigley! Her and I just don't get along all the time.)
The reason we woke up at all this morning? Aiden came in for a wake-up call, 30 minutes before our meeting time. Had it not been for his early morning visit, we would have been super late for our family meeting time. Aiden Joe is the hero of the day!!! Thanks, dude!
This morning's escapade (hooray Janet Jackson) brought everything together in my mind, and even in the chaos I was able to see what God had been trying to tell me. I needed to reframe. I needed to change my perspective on what was going on. I need to do this in so many areas of my life. I need to reframe anger, frustration, jealousy, and try to see the other sides of each.
Today, I've been trying to turn my frustration with a certain person into prayer instead of dredging myself in that heavy emotion. As much as he frustrates me, I don't know what's going on in his life. I don't know how he interprets the things I say or do. And the biggest point-I have no control over how he treats people (who can take care of themselves) or how they react to his treatment. I have to work with the things I CAN control. I CAN tell my kids what is appropriate and what they should not copy from his behaviors. I CAN remember that the people around me are capable of having their own reactions. And I CAN pray for him and the people around him.
All in the power of perspective...even at 5:30 in the morning!
Do you have a favorite Bible verse about this topic? Feel free to comment and share!
Yet, somehow in the midst of my feeling stressed, frazzled, and upset at my alarm, I could not help but smile and see the God-work that this past week had produced. This week's entry comes to us courtesy of my awesome 3-year-old Aiden Joseph and my not-so-awesome dog Wrigley.
Let's step back a bit (Back-Story Time, for all you Phineas and Ferb fans)--
The past month or so, my awesome son Aiden was awake and raring to go with the dawn, and he wanted me to do the same. However, the dawn was occurring around 5:30 each morning...not a time that I was real pleased about being up. I became so tired and cranky from the repeated nights of sleep cut short, I did the ultimate deal-breaker.
I posted about it on Facebook. And that's where our lesson for the week starts.
Earlier this week, my awesome son Aiden decided that 5:30 wasn't working out too well...so he moved up my first wake-up call. To 1:00 in the morning. And he came back in to my room many times after that, finally settling back down about 2:00. Suddenly, 5:30 didn't seem so bad!
Early Thursday morning, I was challenged again, this time by my not-so-awesome dog Wrigley. At 3:00 in the morning (just after putting Aiden back down) we were woken up by an awful smell. After investigating, we found that Wrigley had gotten sick in her dog crate. She tried not to mess herself up, but she's a big dog so that was not an option. We had to take her outside, clean the crate, clean her, and try to fall back asleep...which never happened. After that, I began to long for my 5:30 wake-up call! (I should clarify, I did feel bad for Wrigley! Her and I just don't get along all the time.)
The reason we woke up at all this morning? Aiden came in for a wake-up call, 30 minutes before our meeting time. Had it not been for his early morning visit, we would have been super late for our family meeting time. Aiden Joe is the hero of the day!!! Thanks, dude!
This morning's escapade (hooray Janet Jackson) brought everything together in my mind, and even in the chaos I was able to see what God had been trying to tell me. I needed to reframe. I needed to change my perspective on what was going on. I need to do this in so many areas of my life. I need to reframe anger, frustration, jealousy, and try to see the other sides of each.
Today, I've been trying to turn my frustration with a certain person into prayer instead of dredging myself in that heavy emotion. As much as he frustrates me, I don't know what's going on in his life. I don't know how he interprets the things I say or do. And the biggest point-I have no control over how he treats people (who can take care of themselves) or how they react to his treatment. I have to work with the things I CAN control. I CAN tell my kids what is appropriate and what they should not copy from his behaviors. I CAN remember that the people around me are capable of having their own reactions. And I CAN pray for him and the people around him.
All in the power of perspective...even at 5:30 in the morning!
Do you have a favorite Bible verse about this topic? Feel free to comment and share!
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