Poor Wandring Ones (aka Fill My Cup)

Dear Poor Neglected Bibles:

Tonight's post is for you. I am so sorry for my absence. Truly, I don't know what I was thinking...well maybe that's not totally accurate. I was probably thinking of a combination of I'm Too Busy, I'm Too Stressed, I'm Too Tired, and I Can Handle It On My Own.

And yet, despite my combo-platter attitude, God keeps calling me back your way through various situations. The book on vacation, the music I listen to, my endless search for direction, for peace.

That's why one of the first verses I read tonight (on my Living Word app for iPhone) caught me hook, line, and sinker.

1 Corinthians 14:33 says, "for God is not a God of disorder but of peace." Out of the three versions I checked, that line doesn't really change much.

I happen to crave peace like I crave coffee in the morning, like I crave a clean house, a tidy schedule, a more shapely waistline. I would absolutely love some semblance of peace in my life.

So I read on...

In my limited Bible history, I've found that I relate best to the writings of Paul, especially the book of Ephesians. So that was my next stop this evening: checked out 1: 18-19 which I love. Then I came up to what is now one of my most favorite sections: 3: 14-21. I read this section over and over and over, feeling more refreshed each time. Verse 18 really gets me: and may you have the power to understand...how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is (NLT). Brings to mind some really old Point of Grace songs as I type.

What I especially love, dear bibles, is that sometimes the notes about a certain verse resonate with me even more than the verses themselves. One note for verse 19 now has some ballpoint pen emphasis (hope you don't mind, bible) as it caught my eye and I could not stop reading it:

"We have all the fullness of God available to us. But we must appropriate that fullness through faith and through prayer as we daily live for him." (NIV)

Ugh. Stop. Reread. Stop. Reread again.

I haven't been getting my fullness from God. Lately I've been getting it from food, from tasks, from doing things my own way. Especially the food, though. Most of my life I have been very body conscious (stories for another post) and the low self-esteem and emotional eating issues I have like to carpool with body consciousness. I eat things I know I'm allergic or sensitive to because that's what I crave: when I'm stressed, happy, tired, sad, frustrated, lonely, not prepared. I often eat till I ache from being OVER-full, even though I know better, but I do it to feel something. Only when I'm done I usually feel guilt, remorse, anger towards myself, allergy symptoms, a nasty stomach ache.

I never talk about this...I can't believe I was even able to type it.

None of that is from God. He's been trying to reach out to me and get my attention, and I hold on so tightly so my own wants and habits that I've tuned it out. I want SOMETHING in my life to be easy! Why can't this be easy??!!

Then this footnote comes along: I can have fullness in God. It's totally available. I just have to seek it, pray for it, trust in HIM.

So, can I open my cleanched fists enough to let go?? Can I LET GO and LET GOD???


Thanks again, Bibles. See you tomorrow.