This is where the healing begins...

This Wednesday, my husband and I will be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary. Seems like it's been such a long time together...and at the same time, I'm often shocked to be married at all. I'm amazed that, despite my rocky past and poor marital examples, God would see fit to provide me with a partner at all. Even better and more amazing, he gave me a partner who LOVES me UNCONDITIONALLY...even though I can't do that for myself. I have a Try-On-30-Outfits-Before-Finding-One-That-Fits Day, he doesn't care. I add even more weight to my frame after leaving my job last month, he doesn't care.

This is astonishing to me for a NUMBER of reasons, the top two being that 1) No male figure in my life ever seemed to love me unconditionally; and 2) I have rock-bottom self-esteem and severe body consciousness, so I do NOT feel this way about myself. I've tried for a long time to change this, but it has been a constant thorn in my side.

As I have posted before, this past year has been eye-opening for me. I have really come to see just how deeply this no self-esteem, can't measure up, not good enough thing really goes. It affects everything I say, everything I do, everything I DON'T do. It has kept me from meeting goals, pursuing friendships, simply feeling comfortable in my own skin.

THIS. WILL. CHANGE. STARTING. NOW.


Tenth Avenue North sings: This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts. When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.

I am devoting this next year -- of my marriage, life, self -- to healing. I am going to begin to tackle the not good enough thing, so I can begin to achieve my goals and pursue my callings. I am going to learn, to eat better and move more, so that I have energy for my kids. I am going to use those things I KNOW I'm good at to help me with those areas I KNOW I am terrible with or avoid altogether.

I am going to work on loving myself...so I can feel comfortable in my own skin. So I can find my worth outside of what I feel others think of me. So that I know that I am worthy of being successful and feeling good and just having my own opinion about things!

Next year, on our tenth anniversary, my husband and I would like to renew our vows. Right now, we're thinking on the beach in North Carolina at our annual vacation spot. This is a major milestone for most people, even more for me as we will have surpassed the point at which my parents divorced. We will be entering new territory.

I want to walk -- down the aisle, beach, whatever -- transformed. Changed physically, emotionally, spiritually. I want to enter these next ten years and beyond KNOWING that I am beautiful, that I am good enough, that I am worthy of success and happiness. Not weighed down by body weight or such extensive emotional baggage. Breaking down the walls, breathing in some fresh air.

Healing.

Dear readers (which, I think as of this writing, you number one), are you willing to partner with me on this journey?? I know from experience that I need support, I need accountability, I need people that love me unconditionally and won't give up on me through this process.

Can you help?? Who knows? Maybe we can heal together!

THIS is where the healing begins....