I have a confession: I'm a perfectionist...or, as Kevin Leman describes in his book about birth order, I'm a disillusioned perfectionist.
This "confession" is likely no surprise to anyone who knows me well, but I mention it here tonight because I am fighting my perfectionist instinct like crazy. The perfectionist in me wants to delete this blog and start completely fresh, with the hopes that my new effort would prove to be "good enough." For what, I can't quite put in to words...but good enough nonetheless.
I am battling my inner perfectionist because this all-or-nothing instinct has created havoc in my life for a long time. Fear of doing something "wrong" has kept me from attempting many things in the past. Not being "perfect" has stopped me in my tracks with some pretty major goals: my weight loss, my vocal development, I could go on and on but the result is always the same.
See if you can relate: I recommit myself to my goal (insert goal here). I say that THIS is the time: the time I finally get it "right" and I achieve the amazing success that I so badly want. I'm worth it, I can do it!
And I start out pretty well...for a month...a week...a day...a few hours. Then I make the inevitable mistake. I eat something I know I shouldn't have. I skip a workout. I don't practice enough for my voice lesson. And instead of counting that for what it really is--a mistake--I let it build into this HUGE MOUNTAIN.
...and then I throw in the towel. I'm no longer good enough. What's wrong with me?? Why can't I accomplish this thing that I SAY I want?? I KNOW what to do! Why am I unable to make it happen?????????
And the battle goes on, and on, and on. Over and over, in every area of my life. The house isn't clean enough, my kids argue too much, I don't meet my husband's needs, I am unhealthy, I am overweight...with the core issue always being the same:
(I. am. just. not. good. enough.)
If you're out there and you can relate to this at all...I understand. I'm sure you, like me, would love so badly to be able to just let go of this silly thing!
But how do you begin to let go of something you can't even see? Don't even really understand?
I long more than anything to make 2011 a changing year in my life. I know that God has some amazing things in store for me around the bend...but to be ready for these opportunities I know I need to conquer these huge issues in my life.
So I'm not deleting this blog. And instead of all or none, I'm going to try and start thinking in terms of SOME. I'm not going to start this marathon trying to jump up and see the finish line.
I'm just going to start.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The best of me is ready to begin...
I'm home sick today--feeling generally cruddy, despite starting probiotics and a multi-vitamin today. Guess you have to flush out the bad first, right?
So I dropped the kids off, came home and started sipping some coffee on the couch. I'm way behind on the DVR, so I turned on an episode of Losing It With Jillian. If you missed the show this summer, you should go to nbc.com and see if they have back episodes. It is really a great program!
Something that Jillian Michaels said on this particular episode struck a chord with me, so much so that I had to rewind and listen to the sentence again. She told the woman that she was helping that returning to yoga, which she had previously enjoyed, would be a great choice. It would be returning to something that is "the best of you." That phrase clicked off something in my head.
The best of you...
This thought has been traveling around with me all throughout these summer months-more often phrased as "the most accurate version of me." Looking around my house today, I am struck by how little my life and habits measure up to these phrases...
I am amazed at the excess we live in, and it's obvious as soon as you walk in the door: clutter, stuff we've outgrown, stuff we don't have a place for, new stuff never opened, food that's not good for us or our kids. And the biggest issue, our weight...or rather, "weights" that display themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Yet at the same time, there are so many things that are lacking, or in disrepair. We need to paint pretty much everywhere, the backyard is a mess, the front is untended. We don't sleep enough, play enough, relax enough, practice enough. How and why is it that we have so much excess in one area and yet other areas are so obviously lacking???
Is this anywhere CLOSE to the best of me?? What really IS the best of me? What is the best of my husband, my kids, our family? Where do we find it? How do we achieve it?
Jillian asked the woman, who was a smoker, if she loved her cigarettes more than her kids. As I was sipping my coffee, a long-time addiction even though it enhances my candida among other things, I was slapped in the face with the power of that question. YES I love my kids more than coffee, more than shopping, more than the foods I am allergic to. Why for so long has that not been enough? What am I looking for?
I haven't lost a lot of weight on this challenge yet, but finally the scale is starting to move a bit. But I'm realizing that these 90 days are about even more than numbers, even more than feeding other people. For so long, I have not been feeding myself...maybe because I decide others are more important, maybe because I decide I'm not worth the effort, maybe because I'm hiding. This is a new revelation to me...almost like I'm not even the one typing it.
As I enter my thirties, I so badly want to figure all this out. If I don't start feeding myself-in the ways my body and spirit need, not what I think I want-I will not be able to help others. I will not give my kids the example they need, the best one I can be. I will not achieve my goals of singing and teaching. I will not be the whole person that God has intended me to be.
What is the best of me?? Off to find out...
So I dropped the kids off, came home and started sipping some coffee on the couch. I'm way behind on the DVR, so I turned on an episode of Losing It With Jillian. If you missed the show this summer, you should go to nbc.com and see if they have back episodes. It is really a great program!
Something that Jillian Michaels said on this particular episode struck a chord with me, so much so that I had to rewind and listen to the sentence again. She told the woman that she was helping that returning to yoga, which she had previously enjoyed, would be a great choice. It would be returning to something that is "the best of you." That phrase clicked off something in my head.
The best of you...
This thought has been traveling around with me all throughout these summer months-more often phrased as "the most accurate version of me." Looking around my house today, I am struck by how little my life and habits measure up to these phrases...
I am amazed at the excess we live in, and it's obvious as soon as you walk in the door: clutter, stuff we've outgrown, stuff we don't have a place for, new stuff never opened, food that's not good for us or our kids. And the biggest issue, our weight...or rather, "weights" that display themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Yet at the same time, there are so many things that are lacking, or in disrepair. We need to paint pretty much everywhere, the backyard is a mess, the front is untended. We don't sleep enough, play enough, relax enough, practice enough. How and why is it that we have so much excess in one area and yet other areas are so obviously lacking???
Is this anywhere CLOSE to the best of me?? What really IS the best of me? What is the best of my husband, my kids, our family? Where do we find it? How do we achieve it?
Jillian asked the woman, who was a smoker, if she loved her cigarettes more than her kids. As I was sipping my coffee, a long-time addiction even though it enhances my candida among other things, I was slapped in the face with the power of that question. YES I love my kids more than coffee, more than shopping, more than the foods I am allergic to. Why for so long has that not been enough? What am I looking for?
I haven't lost a lot of weight on this challenge yet, but finally the scale is starting to move a bit. But I'm realizing that these 90 days are about even more than numbers, even more than feeding other people. For so long, I have not been feeding myself...maybe because I decide others are more important, maybe because I decide I'm not worth the effort, maybe because I'm hiding. This is a new revelation to me...almost like I'm not even the one typing it.
As I enter my thirties, I so badly want to figure all this out. If I don't start feeding myself-in the ways my body and spirit need, not what I think I want-I will not be able to help others. I will not give my kids the example they need, the best one I can be. I will not achieve my goals of singing and teaching. I will not be the whole person that God has intended me to be.
What is the best of me?? Off to find out...
Saturday, July 31, 2010
And I would walk 500 miles...
Actually, for the purpose of this entry, I'd need to change the lyrics to "and I would raise 500 meals."
Below is a letter that I sent out to some of my friends and family, and I also wanted to add it here. If you're reading and you're interested in helping, I would be so grateful!!
Dear Friends and Family-
I hope that this letter finds you all well and enjoying your summer! I am writing to you to let you know about a project I am taking on over the next few months.
Starting on August 7th, I will be participating in the 90-Day Weight Loss Challenge sponsored by Lifetime Fitness. This program will continue through November 4th, and the male, female, couple, and youth with the highest weight loss will be declared the winners. I am really excited but nervous about participating in this program! I know that my family and I will get a lot out of my efforts, but I decided that the benefits of this experience shouldn’t stop there. That’s where you come in…but first, a little more background.
David Stupay, the Chairman of Global Family Rescue and a friend of mine on Facebook, posted a link this weekend that captured my attention. Table for Two, a non-profit organization, was started because of a grave imbalance in our world. According to the website, “In our world of 6 billion, 1 billion suffer from hunger, while another 1 billion suffer from obesity and other life-style related diseases.” My reaction to finding out that I am part of the 1 billion causing the imbalance is indescribable. For too long I’ve been living out of balance, in excess. It not only affects my immediate life (my family, my career, my life) but it affects the world.
For every pound that I lose during the 90-Day Challenge, I will be donating two dollars to Table for Two, or an equivalent organization. According to their website, as well as many other sites I’ve researched, it takes about 20 cents to provide a meal for a hungry child. So, for every pound I can shed, 10 people will be fed. My goal, by the end of the challenge, is to have raised enough to provide for 500 meals. I won’t be able to do this alone…remember when I said that’s where you would come in?
I would be so honored if you would choose to partner with me in this challenge! You can do this in a number of ways. You can:
· Sponsor me by pledging an additional amount for each pound I lose.
· Join me and participate in the 90-Day Challenge, pledging your own weight and dollar
amount. Please let me know before August 7th.
· Pray for me as I begin this process of changing myself and helping others.
Please let me know if you have any questions or are willing to join me in this challenge. Thank you so much in advance for your time, your thoughts, and your help!
Jennifer
Below is a letter that I sent out to some of my friends and family, and I also wanted to add it here. If you're reading and you're interested in helping, I would be so grateful!!
Dear Friends and Family-
I hope that this letter finds you all well and enjoying your summer! I am writing to you to let you know about a project I am taking on over the next few months.
Starting on August 7th, I will be participating in the 90-Day Weight Loss Challenge sponsored by Lifetime Fitness. This program will continue through November 4th, and the male, female, couple, and youth with the highest weight loss will be declared the winners. I am really excited but nervous about participating in this program! I know that my family and I will get a lot out of my efforts, but I decided that the benefits of this experience shouldn’t stop there. That’s where you come in…but first, a little more background.
David Stupay, the Chairman of Global Family Rescue and a friend of mine on Facebook, posted a link this weekend that captured my attention. Table for Two, a non-profit organization, was started because of a grave imbalance in our world. According to the website, “In our world of 6 billion, 1 billion suffer from hunger, while another 1 billion suffer from obesity and other life-style related diseases.” My reaction to finding out that I am part of the 1 billion causing the imbalance is indescribable. For too long I’ve been living out of balance, in excess. It not only affects my immediate life (my family, my career, my life) but it affects the world.
For every pound that I lose during the 90-Day Challenge, I will be donating two dollars to Table for Two, or an equivalent organization. According to their website, as well as many other sites I’ve researched, it takes about 20 cents to provide a meal for a hungry child. So, for every pound I can shed, 10 people will be fed. My goal, by the end of the challenge, is to have raised enough to provide for 500 meals. I won’t be able to do this alone…remember when I said that’s where you would come in?
I would be so honored if you would choose to partner with me in this challenge! You can do this in a number of ways. You can:
· Sponsor me by pledging an additional amount for each pound I lose.
· Join me and participate in the 90-Day Challenge, pledging your own weight and dollar
amount. Please let me know before August 7th.
· Pray for me as I begin this process of changing myself and helping others.
Please let me know if you have any questions or are willing to join me in this challenge. Thank you so much in advance for your time, your thoughts, and your help!
Jennifer
Saturday, July 24, 2010
This Little Light of Mine...
Today I headed to Chicago, about an hour drive from my house, for my bi-weekly voice lesson. This time, I got to brave some not-so-hot weather, closed roads, and occasional flooding. Making it safely to my teacher's house, one of my favorite places to be, I headed straight into my lesson.
The lesson wasn't without its challenges. I've been dealing with symptoms of TMJ for a while, which have become more severe this past month. After singing for a while, or singing a lot of higher notes, my jaw muscles begin to flare up. I've been working on the same song pretty much all summer, and while it's slowly been improving, it's been a frustrating process. Today's lesson was my best performance of that aria to date: not anywhere near done, but a marked improvement!
I left my lesson tired, sore, but with a great sense of accomplishment. I had made some progress! This work I've been doing is starting to pay off! And if I buckle down, get more regular with my practicing, and work harder, I can push through these obstacles and make something of this voice.
As I drove back through the city around Lake Shore Drive, happily admiring the cityscape, I was filled with this amazing sense of peace. Flooded with it. I LOVE that feeling of happiness, of satisfaction, of being right with the world. It seems to flow down into every corner of my being. It reaffirms that, as far as my music goes, this is what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be...
I have been going through such a crisis of identity, probably for a very long time. In part, I've not felt that I was good or worthy enough to have my own opinion, my own identity. As I have (very) slowly started to accept the fact that I AM worthy, the issue then becomes a lot bigger:
Who AM I, really?? What am I meant to do? Who am I really meant to be?
Driving into the city today, I remembered to bring my new glasses, finally back from the optometrist (big old thanks to my dog for that). I am simply in love with my glasses-they are the nicest pair I have ever owned, and I've worn glasses since I was 4 years old. I looked at myself in my teacher's bathroom mirror, and in my awesome glasses, favorite grey t-shirt, and dark jeans, I felt like an accurate version of myself. There's more than one: I also feel most myself snazzed up at Lyric Opera, sporting my lorgnette opera glasses and chatting with my sister. I feel myself singing on stage, whether in costume or just nicely pulled together. I feel myself when I'm cuddling with my kids.
I'm trying to remember some of the things that people tell me I'm good at or what they appreciate about me, to help me in this whole search for identity. I'm classy, I work hard, I have high standards. I love researching, reading, organizing, singing. I'm a good listener. I'm trying to run through words in my mind that I would like to say are descriptive of me: sophisticated, fine, pulled together, responsible, honest, smart, friendly. Diva, divine -- and yes, BOTH of those are actually good qualities.
I'm entitled to have my own opinion. I'm allowed to pursue my dreams. I am worthy of discovering my identity, and not only embracing it, but not worrying about being outcast because of it. I may be weird, I may be quirky, but that's part of what makes me ME. And it's time to stop running away from that, time to make the choice to let that shine.
The lesson wasn't without its challenges. I've been dealing with symptoms of TMJ for a while, which have become more severe this past month. After singing for a while, or singing a lot of higher notes, my jaw muscles begin to flare up. I've been working on the same song pretty much all summer, and while it's slowly been improving, it's been a frustrating process. Today's lesson was my best performance of that aria to date: not anywhere near done, but a marked improvement!
I left my lesson tired, sore, but with a great sense of accomplishment. I had made some progress! This work I've been doing is starting to pay off! And if I buckle down, get more regular with my practicing, and work harder, I can push through these obstacles and make something of this voice.
As I drove back through the city around Lake Shore Drive, happily admiring the cityscape, I was filled with this amazing sense of peace. Flooded with it. I LOVE that feeling of happiness, of satisfaction, of being right with the world. It seems to flow down into every corner of my being. It reaffirms that, as far as my music goes, this is what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be...
I have been going through such a crisis of identity, probably for a very long time. In part, I've not felt that I was good or worthy enough to have my own opinion, my own identity. As I have (very) slowly started to accept the fact that I AM worthy, the issue then becomes a lot bigger:
Who AM I, really?? What am I meant to do? Who am I really meant to be?
Driving into the city today, I remembered to bring my new glasses, finally back from the optometrist (big old thanks to my dog for that). I am simply in love with my glasses-they are the nicest pair I have ever owned, and I've worn glasses since I was 4 years old. I looked at myself in my teacher's bathroom mirror, and in my awesome glasses, favorite grey t-shirt, and dark jeans, I felt like an accurate version of myself. There's more than one: I also feel most myself snazzed up at Lyric Opera, sporting my lorgnette opera glasses and chatting with my sister. I feel myself singing on stage, whether in costume or just nicely pulled together. I feel myself when I'm cuddling with my kids.
I'm trying to remember some of the things that people tell me I'm good at or what they appreciate about me, to help me in this whole search for identity. I'm classy, I work hard, I have high standards. I love researching, reading, organizing, singing. I'm a good listener. I'm trying to run through words in my mind that I would like to say are descriptive of me: sophisticated, fine, pulled together, responsible, honest, smart, friendly. Diva, divine -- and yes, BOTH of those are actually good qualities.
I'm entitled to have my own opinion. I'm allowed to pursue my dreams. I am worthy of discovering my identity, and not only embracing it, but not worrying about being outcast because of it. I may be weird, I may be quirky, but that's part of what makes me ME. And it's time to stop running away from that, time to make the choice to let that shine.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Three, oh it's the magic number....
Well, maybe not in terms of my weight, but it definitely is spiritually!
Posting my starting weight (can't believe I'm doing it, but I am) here so I can keep track. I'm also going to post my goal weight so I can remember that there IS a finish line.
Remember Jen: this is a journey, and that's what it's all about. It will take time, there will be both smooth and bumpy stretches. You will make mistakes some of the time...but you get up, dust yourself off, and try again.
Each day will have its own challenges, but you can handle them. You've got the power of THREE on your side!!! In Him, you cannot fail. You can do all things...
START June 28: 237.4
Goal weight: Between 160 and 150 ultimately, right now goal at the gym is in the 170s.
Some of my fitness goals:
* To run in the 5K my church sponsors in October
* To take up dancing with the hubby
* To keep up with my kids at the park
General Goals:
* To not be exhausted at the end of every day
* To alleviate some of the allergy issues I have caused by food sensitivities
* To improve my singing through better health and muscle strength
Are we ready? Yes? Good! ON we go!!
Posting my starting weight (can't believe I'm doing it, but I am) here so I can keep track. I'm also going to post my goal weight so I can remember that there IS a finish line.
Remember Jen: this is a journey, and that's what it's all about. It will take time, there will be both smooth and bumpy stretches. You will make mistakes some of the time...but you get up, dust yourself off, and try again.
Each day will have its own challenges, but you can handle them. You've got the power of THREE on your side!!! In Him, you cannot fail. You can do all things...
START June 28: 237.4
Goal weight: Between 160 and 150 ultimately, right now goal at the gym is in the 170s.
Some of my fitness goals:
* To run in the 5K my church sponsors in October
* To take up dancing with the hubby
* To keep up with my kids at the park
General Goals:
* To not be exhausted at the end of every day
* To alleviate some of the allergy issues I have caused by food sensitivities
* To improve my singing through better health and muscle strength
Are we ready? Yes? Good! ON we go!!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
This is where the healing begins...
This Wednesday, my husband and I will be celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary. Seems like it's been such a long time together...and at the same time, I'm often shocked to be married at all. I'm amazed that, despite my rocky past and poor marital examples, God would see fit to provide me with a partner at all. Even better and more amazing, he gave me a partner who LOVES me UNCONDITIONALLY...even though I can't do that for myself. I have a Try-On-30-Outfits-Before-Finding-One-That-Fits Day, he doesn't care. I add even more weight to my frame after leaving my job last month, he doesn't care.
This is astonishing to me for a NUMBER of reasons, the top two being that 1) No male figure in my life ever seemed to love me unconditionally; and 2) I have rock-bottom self-esteem and severe body consciousness, so I do NOT feel this way about myself. I've tried for a long time to change this, but it has been a constant thorn in my side.
As I have posted before, this past year has been eye-opening for me. I have really come to see just how deeply this no self-esteem, can't measure up, not good enough thing really goes. It affects everything I say, everything I do, everything I DON'T do. It has kept me from meeting goals, pursuing friendships, simply feeling comfortable in my own skin.
THIS. WILL. CHANGE. STARTING. NOW.
Tenth Avenue North sings: This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts. When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.
I am devoting this next year -- of my marriage, life, self -- to healing. I am going to begin to tackle the not good enough thing, so I can begin to achieve my goals and pursue my callings. I am going to learn, to eat better and move more, so that I have energy for my kids. I am going to use those things I KNOW I'm good at to help me with those areas I KNOW I am terrible with or avoid altogether.
I am going to work on loving myself...so I can feel comfortable in my own skin. So I can find my worth outside of what I feel others think of me. So that I know that I am worthy of being successful and feeling good and just having my own opinion about things!
Next year, on our tenth anniversary, my husband and I would like to renew our vows. Right now, we're thinking on the beach in North Carolina at our annual vacation spot. This is a major milestone for most people, even more for me as we will have surpassed the point at which my parents divorced. We will be entering new territory.
I want to walk -- down the aisle, beach, whatever -- transformed. Changed physically, emotionally, spiritually. I want to enter these next ten years and beyond KNOWING that I am beautiful, that I am good enough, that I am worthy of success and happiness. Not weighed down by body weight or such extensive emotional baggage. Breaking down the walls, breathing in some fresh air.
Healing.
Dear readers (which, I think as of this writing, you number one), are you willing to partner with me on this journey?? I know from experience that I need support, I need accountability, I need people that love me unconditionally and won't give up on me through this process.
Can you help?? Who knows? Maybe we can heal together!
THIS is where the healing begins....
This is astonishing to me for a NUMBER of reasons, the top two being that 1) No male figure in my life ever seemed to love me unconditionally; and 2) I have rock-bottom self-esteem and severe body consciousness, so I do NOT feel this way about myself. I've tried for a long time to change this, but it has been a constant thorn in my side.
As I have posted before, this past year has been eye-opening for me. I have really come to see just how deeply this no self-esteem, can't measure up, not good enough thing really goes. It affects everything I say, everything I do, everything I DON'T do. It has kept me from meeting goals, pursuing friendships, simply feeling comfortable in my own skin.
THIS. WILL. CHANGE. STARTING. NOW.
Tenth Avenue North sings: This is where the healing begins, this is where the healing starts. When you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark.
I am devoting this next year -- of my marriage, life, self -- to healing. I am going to begin to tackle the not good enough thing, so I can begin to achieve my goals and pursue my callings. I am going to learn, to eat better and move more, so that I have energy for my kids. I am going to use those things I KNOW I'm good at to help me with those areas I KNOW I am terrible with or avoid altogether.
I am going to work on loving myself...so I can feel comfortable in my own skin. So I can find my worth outside of what I feel others think of me. So that I know that I am worthy of being successful and feeling good and just having my own opinion about things!
Next year, on our tenth anniversary, my husband and I would like to renew our vows. Right now, we're thinking on the beach in North Carolina at our annual vacation spot. This is a major milestone for most people, even more for me as we will have surpassed the point at which my parents divorced. We will be entering new territory.
I want to walk -- down the aisle, beach, whatever -- transformed. Changed physically, emotionally, spiritually. I want to enter these next ten years and beyond KNOWING that I am beautiful, that I am good enough, that I am worthy of success and happiness. Not weighed down by body weight or such extensive emotional baggage. Breaking down the walls, breathing in some fresh air.
Healing.
Dear readers (which, I think as of this writing, you number one), are you willing to partner with me on this journey?? I know from experience that I need support, I need accountability, I need people that love me unconditionally and won't give up on me through this process.
Can you help?? Who knows? Maybe we can heal together!
THIS is where the healing begins....
Friday, June 18, 2010
Poor Wandring Ones (aka Fill My Cup)
Dear Poor Neglected Bibles:
Tonight's post is for you. I am so sorry for my absence. Truly, I don't know what I was thinking...well maybe that's not totally accurate. I was probably thinking of a combination of I'm Too Busy, I'm Too Stressed, I'm Too Tired, and I Can Handle It On My Own.
And yet, despite my combo-platter attitude, God keeps calling me back your way through various situations. The book on vacation, the music I listen to, my endless search for direction, for peace.
That's why one of the first verses I read tonight (on my Living Word app for iPhone) caught me hook, line, and sinker.
1 Corinthians 14:33 says, "for God is not a God of disorder but of peace." Out of the three versions I checked, that line doesn't really change much.
I happen to crave peace like I crave coffee in the morning, like I crave a clean house, a tidy schedule, a more shapely waistline. I would absolutely love some semblance of peace in my life.
So I read on...
In my limited Bible history, I've found that I relate best to the writings of Paul, especially the book of Ephesians. So that was my next stop this evening: checked out 1: 18-19 which I love. Then I came up to what is now one of my most favorite sections: 3: 14-21. I read this section over and over and over, feeling more refreshed each time. Verse 18 really gets me: and may you have the power to understand...how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is (NLT). Brings to mind some really old Point of Grace songs as I type.
What I especially love, dear bibles, is that sometimes the notes about a certain verse resonate with me even more than the verses themselves. One note for verse 19 now has some ballpoint pen emphasis (hope you don't mind, bible) as it caught my eye and I could not stop reading it:
"We have all the fullness of God available to us. But we must appropriate that fullness through faith and through prayer as we daily live for him." (NIV)
Ugh. Stop. Reread. Stop. Reread again.
I haven't been getting my fullness from God. Lately I've been getting it from food, from tasks, from doing things my own way. Especially the food, though. Most of my life I have been very body conscious (stories for another post) and the low self-esteem and emotional eating issues I have like to carpool with body consciousness. I eat things I know I'm allergic or sensitive to because that's what I crave: when I'm stressed, happy, tired, sad, frustrated, lonely, not prepared. I often eat till I ache from being OVER-full, even though I know better, but I do it to feel something. Only when I'm done I usually feel guilt, remorse, anger towards myself, allergy symptoms, a nasty stomach ache.
I never talk about this...I can't believe I was even able to type it.
None of that is from God. He's been trying to reach out to me and get my attention, and I hold on so tightly so my own wants and habits that I've tuned it out. I want SOMETHING in my life to be easy! Why can't this be easy??!!
Then this footnote comes along: I can have fullness in God. It's totally available. I just have to seek it, pray for it, trust in HIM.
So, can I open my cleanched fists enough to let go?? Can I LET GO and LET GOD???
Thanks again, Bibles. See you tomorrow.
Tonight's post is for you. I am so sorry for my absence. Truly, I don't know what I was thinking...well maybe that's not totally accurate. I was probably thinking of a combination of I'm Too Busy, I'm Too Stressed, I'm Too Tired, and I Can Handle It On My Own.
And yet, despite my combo-platter attitude, God keeps calling me back your way through various situations. The book on vacation, the music I listen to, my endless search for direction, for peace.
That's why one of the first verses I read tonight (on my Living Word app for iPhone) caught me hook, line, and sinker.
1 Corinthians 14:33 says, "for God is not a God of disorder but of peace." Out of the three versions I checked, that line doesn't really change much.
I happen to crave peace like I crave coffee in the morning, like I crave a clean house, a tidy schedule, a more shapely waistline. I would absolutely love some semblance of peace in my life.
So I read on...
In my limited Bible history, I've found that I relate best to the writings of Paul, especially the book of Ephesians. So that was my next stop this evening: checked out 1: 18-19 which I love. Then I came up to what is now one of my most favorite sections: 3: 14-21. I read this section over and over and over, feeling more refreshed each time. Verse 18 really gets me: and may you have the power to understand...how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love really is (NLT). Brings to mind some really old Point of Grace songs as I type.
What I especially love, dear bibles, is that sometimes the notes about a certain verse resonate with me even more than the verses themselves. One note for verse 19 now has some ballpoint pen emphasis (hope you don't mind, bible) as it caught my eye and I could not stop reading it:
"We have all the fullness of God available to us. But we must appropriate that fullness through faith and through prayer as we daily live for him." (NIV)
Ugh. Stop. Reread. Stop. Reread again.
I haven't been getting my fullness from God. Lately I've been getting it from food, from tasks, from doing things my own way. Especially the food, though. Most of my life I have been very body conscious (stories for another post) and the low self-esteem and emotional eating issues I have like to carpool with body consciousness. I eat things I know I'm allergic or sensitive to because that's what I crave: when I'm stressed, happy, tired, sad, frustrated, lonely, not prepared. I often eat till I ache from being OVER-full, even though I know better, but I do it to feel something. Only when I'm done I usually feel guilt, remorse, anger towards myself, allergy symptoms, a nasty stomach ache.
I never talk about this...I can't believe I was even able to type it.
None of that is from God. He's been trying to reach out to me and get my attention, and I hold on so tightly so my own wants and habits that I've tuned it out. I want SOMETHING in my life to be easy! Why can't this be easy??!!
Then this footnote comes along: I can have fullness in God. It's totally available. I just have to seek it, pray for it, trust in HIM.
So, can I open my cleanched fists enough to let go?? Can I LET GO and LET GOD???
Thanks again, Bibles. See you tomorrow.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Change my heart, oh God. Make it ever true...
This is the third year that my family and I have made the 18-hour trek to the Outer Banks of North Carolina, staying in a rented house near the ocean for a week of relaxation. If you've never been out this way, I highly recommend it. Life goes at a much slower pace here...not something I could live with always but definitely a nice breather, and definitely something I should do more in my daily life!
Each year, I bring a HUGE bag of books with me on the trip. I love nothing more than to curl up in a comfy chair and plow through the books I've brought. Last year I finished a record six and a half books during the trip (that last one was a "deep" read: Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson). It was fantastic!!
This year, hoping to beat that record, I packed a ton of books just aching to be read. I was so looking forward to it. But as of today, when our trip is starting to wind down, I have not completed even one book start to finish. A variety of things distracted me -- I drove much longer than I usually do the first day, I couldn't seem to find a quiet spot, I couldn't get in to the books I had picked, my tired body won out over my eager mind.
I was really starting to get frustrated! I mean, I look forward to this Read-A-Palooza all year long! What the hey???
Then, I believe on Tuesday evening, I was walking around the beach house looking through the various baskets of activities the owners had provided, and a bright red book caught my eye. An obviously older print (the cover style gave it away), the title called out to me and would not let me close that bin without pulling out the book. Thus, "Lord, Change Me" by Evelyn Christenson is the ONLY book this trip that I have come close to starting and finishing.
Check it out for yourself at www.evelynchristensonministries.org
I was hooked almost from the beginning into the author's true story about her fervent prayers to God for SELF-CHANGE, as opposed to changing the people around her. Her kids, her husband, her situation is not the issue...SHE is the issue, and SHE is the only aspect that she has any power to change. Everything and everyone else must answer to God, not her. She describes the freedom and release that came over a 14-month period, just from this simple 3-word request.
I'm sad I will have to leave this book behind, as I don't think I'll finish it before we leave Saturday, but I know it's one I will be adding to my collection, completing this summer, and truly taking to heart.
After reading the first few chapters, on a night that I couldn't seem to fall asleep, the word to an old Maranatha church song came into my head, so fitting for this book, this summer:
Change my heart, oh God. Make it ever true. Change my heart oh God. May I be like you. You are the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me, this is what I pray.
...this is going to be an amazing summer--for me, for my relationships, for my family. I can feel it, sense it, almost taste it. It won't be without its share of hard work, but the results, I think, will astound everyone.
Change ME, God. May I be like you.
Each year, I bring a HUGE bag of books with me on the trip. I love nothing more than to curl up in a comfy chair and plow through the books I've brought. Last year I finished a record six and a half books during the trip (that last one was a "deep" read: Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson). It was fantastic!!
This year, hoping to beat that record, I packed a ton of books just aching to be read. I was so looking forward to it. But as of today, when our trip is starting to wind down, I have not completed even one book start to finish. A variety of things distracted me -- I drove much longer than I usually do the first day, I couldn't seem to find a quiet spot, I couldn't get in to the books I had picked, my tired body won out over my eager mind.
I was really starting to get frustrated! I mean, I look forward to this Read-A-Palooza all year long! What the hey???
Then, I believe on Tuesday evening, I was walking around the beach house looking through the various baskets of activities the owners had provided, and a bright red book caught my eye. An obviously older print (the cover style gave it away), the title called out to me and would not let me close that bin without pulling out the book. Thus, "Lord, Change Me" by Evelyn Christenson is the ONLY book this trip that I have come close to starting and finishing.
Check it out for yourself at www.evelynchristensonministries.org
I was hooked almost from the beginning into the author's true story about her fervent prayers to God for SELF-CHANGE, as opposed to changing the people around her. Her kids, her husband, her situation is not the issue...SHE is the issue, and SHE is the only aspect that she has any power to change. Everything and everyone else must answer to God, not her. She describes the freedom and release that came over a 14-month period, just from this simple 3-word request.
I'm sad I will have to leave this book behind, as I don't think I'll finish it before we leave Saturday, but I know it's one I will be adding to my collection, completing this summer, and truly taking to heart.
After reading the first few chapters, on a night that I couldn't seem to fall asleep, the word to an old Maranatha church song came into my head, so fitting for this book, this summer:
Change my heart, oh God. Make it ever true. Change my heart oh God. May I be like you. You are the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me, this is what I pray.
...this is going to be an amazing summer--for me, for my relationships, for my family. I can feel it, sense it, almost taste it. It won't be without its share of hard work, but the results, I think, will astound everyone.
Change ME, God. May I be like you.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Does anybody really know what time it is??
This morning we needed to leave the house at oh-dark-thirty (college phrase for super freaking early) to start our family vacation, and despite the fact that I set my alarm for over an hour in advance of that time, my alarm clock must have thought I was crazy and it decided not to go off. Instead I was left with only 30 minutes to get cleaned up and get our family of four out of the house and to our meeting spot, which was 10 minutes away. Thanks so much.
Yet, somehow in the midst of my feeling stressed, frazzled, and upset at my alarm, I could not help but smile and see the God-work that this past week had produced. This week's entry comes to us courtesy of my awesome 3-year-old Aiden Joseph and my not-so-awesome dog Wrigley.
Let's step back a bit (Back-Story Time, for all you Phineas and Ferb fans)--
The past month or so, my awesome son Aiden was awake and raring to go with the dawn, and he wanted me to do the same. However, the dawn was occurring around 5:30 each morning...not a time that I was real pleased about being up. I became so tired and cranky from the repeated nights of sleep cut short, I did the ultimate deal-breaker.
I posted about it on Facebook. And that's where our lesson for the week starts.
Earlier this week, my awesome son Aiden decided that 5:30 wasn't working out too well...so he moved up my first wake-up call. To 1:00 in the morning. And he came back in to my room many times after that, finally settling back down about 2:00. Suddenly, 5:30 didn't seem so bad!
Early Thursday morning, I was challenged again, this time by my not-so-awesome dog Wrigley. At 3:00 in the morning (just after putting Aiden back down) we were woken up by an awful smell. After investigating, we found that Wrigley had gotten sick in her dog crate. She tried not to mess herself up, but she's a big dog so that was not an option. We had to take her outside, clean the crate, clean her, and try to fall back asleep...which never happened. After that, I began to long for my 5:30 wake-up call! (I should clarify, I did feel bad for Wrigley! Her and I just don't get along all the time.)
The reason we woke up at all this morning? Aiden came in for a wake-up call, 30 minutes before our meeting time. Had it not been for his early morning visit, we would have been super late for our family meeting time. Aiden Joe is the hero of the day!!! Thanks, dude!
This morning's escapade (hooray Janet Jackson) brought everything together in my mind, and even in the chaos I was able to see what God had been trying to tell me. I needed to reframe. I needed to change my perspective on what was going on. I need to do this in so many areas of my life. I need to reframe anger, frustration, jealousy, and try to see the other sides of each.
Today, I've been trying to turn my frustration with a certain person into prayer instead of dredging myself in that heavy emotion. As much as he frustrates me, I don't know what's going on in his life. I don't know how he interprets the things I say or do. And the biggest point-I have no control over how he treats people (who can take care of themselves) or how they react to his treatment. I have to work with the things I CAN control. I CAN tell my kids what is appropriate and what they should not copy from his behaviors. I CAN remember that the people around me are capable of having their own reactions. And I CAN pray for him and the people around him.
All in the power of perspective...even at 5:30 in the morning!
Do you have a favorite Bible verse about this topic? Feel free to comment and share!
Yet, somehow in the midst of my feeling stressed, frazzled, and upset at my alarm, I could not help but smile and see the God-work that this past week had produced. This week's entry comes to us courtesy of my awesome 3-year-old Aiden Joseph and my not-so-awesome dog Wrigley.
Let's step back a bit (Back-Story Time, for all you Phineas and Ferb fans)--
The past month or so, my awesome son Aiden was awake and raring to go with the dawn, and he wanted me to do the same. However, the dawn was occurring around 5:30 each morning...not a time that I was real pleased about being up. I became so tired and cranky from the repeated nights of sleep cut short, I did the ultimate deal-breaker.
I posted about it on Facebook. And that's where our lesson for the week starts.
Earlier this week, my awesome son Aiden decided that 5:30 wasn't working out too well...so he moved up my first wake-up call. To 1:00 in the morning. And he came back in to my room many times after that, finally settling back down about 2:00. Suddenly, 5:30 didn't seem so bad!
Early Thursday morning, I was challenged again, this time by my not-so-awesome dog Wrigley. At 3:00 in the morning (just after putting Aiden back down) we were woken up by an awful smell. After investigating, we found that Wrigley had gotten sick in her dog crate. She tried not to mess herself up, but she's a big dog so that was not an option. We had to take her outside, clean the crate, clean her, and try to fall back asleep...which never happened. After that, I began to long for my 5:30 wake-up call! (I should clarify, I did feel bad for Wrigley! Her and I just don't get along all the time.)
The reason we woke up at all this morning? Aiden came in for a wake-up call, 30 minutes before our meeting time. Had it not been for his early morning visit, we would have been super late for our family meeting time. Aiden Joe is the hero of the day!!! Thanks, dude!
This morning's escapade (hooray Janet Jackson) brought everything together in my mind, and even in the chaos I was able to see what God had been trying to tell me. I needed to reframe. I needed to change my perspective on what was going on. I need to do this in so many areas of my life. I need to reframe anger, frustration, jealousy, and try to see the other sides of each.
Today, I've been trying to turn my frustration with a certain person into prayer instead of dredging myself in that heavy emotion. As much as he frustrates me, I don't know what's going on in his life. I don't know how he interprets the things I say or do. And the biggest point-I have no control over how he treats people (who can take care of themselves) or how they react to his treatment. I have to work with the things I CAN control. I CAN tell my kids what is appropriate and what they should not copy from his behaviors. I CAN remember that the people around me are capable of having their own reactions. And I CAN pray for him and the people around him.
All in the power of perspective...even at 5:30 in the morning!
Do you have a favorite Bible verse about this topic? Feel free to comment and share!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Oh no, I don't want to slow down...
So, I've been walking around in a bit of a daze today. Yesterday was my last day at my job as assistant director of a fine arts school in the 'burbs. If you had asked me a few years ago whether or not my future plans included leaving this job, I would have told you that you were nuts! I love what the school does, what it's about, who we serve...I still do.
So, why leave? Many, many reasons...and I go back and forth every day trying to figure out which reason was the ultimate deal-breaker. I still can't decide, so in no particular order I list family needs, personal needs, professional needs, lack of respect and support, reaching a dead end with what I was able to do there.
For the longest time, I've been raised to believe (or so I think) that I always have to be busy, be striving to do better, to be my best. I started to feel like I had to be doing something to be noticed at all...and to an extent in my life this has proved to be the case. I hold others to a very high expectation, because the ones I hold myself to are even higher. Who cares if they're actually achievable??!! I keep going for them anyway. Who cares if no one else ever lives up to it?! They just need to work harder.
There are a few elements that present in the aftermath of this hyper-achieving. One, which will take whole other posts entirely, is a chronic issue with not feeling "good enough." Since I turned 30 it has boggled my mind to see just how much this issue affects me, in every area of my life. Part of my summer will be spent unpacking this HUGE ailment.
Another issue is that I am almost constantly running out WAY ahead of God, even in (especially in) the areas I feel he has called me: to teach something (voice) and to sing something (classical, Christian, etc). I'm so busy that I have no time to stop and listen, so I call back, "Okay, God, I hear ya! I've got it from here!"
And I take off...and inevitably, in some way, I crash and burn. Since turning 30, I have crashed. Hard. You know (or rather, you SHOULD know) that when everything in your life seems out of sorts, SOMETHING IS OFF. My house is in chaos, my family is bickering, I'm forgetting things, I'm running all over the place. I've put aside the two things I know God has called me to in order to do more of what I've set for myself.
One day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. As I was dropping off my son in a neighboring town to head back to our town (where I had just been) in order to attend a meeting I was already quite late for, THUD. SMACK. "Oh my gosh...I am WAY off track, aren't I?"
It was still a while, however, before I made one of the decisions I needed to make: to leave my job. For a long time, I felt God tell me that I knew EXACTLY what I needed to do...but I just didn't want to do it. And once I finally gave in, once I decided to listen and do the right-but-not-easy thing...then came some peace.
The band Third Day wrote a great song called Slow Down: Tell me to slow down, turn around, and change the way I'm going. Oh no, I don't want to let go of all the things that I know are keeping me away from my life. Oh no, I don't want to slow down, I don't want to look around, but I can't seem to work it out....so help me God!!
Father, forgive me. Please forgive me for always running out so far ahead of you. Help me to STOP. Help me to be still and to wait on you, to wait for you to lead me in those things I feel called to. Help me to find that peace in my life. Tell me to slow down...
So, why leave? Many, many reasons...and I go back and forth every day trying to figure out which reason was the ultimate deal-breaker. I still can't decide, so in no particular order I list family needs, personal needs, professional needs, lack of respect and support, reaching a dead end with what I was able to do there.
For the longest time, I've been raised to believe (or so I think) that I always have to be busy, be striving to do better, to be my best. I started to feel like I had to be doing something to be noticed at all...and to an extent in my life this has proved to be the case. I hold others to a very high expectation, because the ones I hold myself to are even higher. Who cares if they're actually achievable??!! I keep going for them anyway. Who cares if no one else ever lives up to it?! They just need to work harder.
There are a few elements that present in the aftermath of this hyper-achieving. One, which will take whole other posts entirely, is a chronic issue with not feeling "good enough." Since I turned 30 it has boggled my mind to see just how much this issue affects me, in every area of my life. Part of my summer will be spent unpacking this HUGE ailment.
Another issue is that I am almost constantly running out WAY ahead of God, even in (especially in) the areas I feel he has called me: to teach something (voice) and to sing something (classical, Christian, etc). I'm so busy that I have no time to stop and listen, so I call back, "Okay, God, I hear ya! I've got it from here!"
And I take off...and inevitably, in some way, I crash and burn. Since turning 30, I have crashed. Hard. You know (or rather, you SHOULD know) that when everything in your life seems out of sorts, SOMETHING IS OFF. My house is in chaos, my family is bickering, I'm forgetting things, I'm running all over the place. I've put aside the two things I know God has called me to in order to do more of what I've set for myself.
One day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. As I was dropping off my son in a neighboring town to head back to our town (where I had just been) in order to attend a meeting I was already quite late for, THUD. SMACK. "Oh my gosh...I am WAY off track, aren't I?"
It was still a while, however, before I made one of the decisions I needed to make: to leave my job. For a long time, I felt God tell me that I knew EXACTLY what I needed to do...but I just didn't want to do it. And once I finally gave in, once I decided to listen and do the right-but-not-easy thing...then came some peace.
The band Third Day wrote a great song called Slow Down: Tell me to slow down, turn around, and change the way I'm going. Oh no, I don't want to let go of all the things that I know are keeping me away from my life. Oh no, I don't want to slow down, I don't want to look around, but I can't seem to work it out....so help me God!!
Father, forgive me. Please forgive me for always running out so far ahead of you. Help me to STOP. Help me to be still and to wait on you, to wait for you to lead me in those things I feel called to. Help me to find that peace in my life. Tell me to slow down...
Friday, May 21, 2010
Here I Am, This is Me...
Hello, computer world. My name is Jen, and I love paper...
That's probably a wierd way to start off a blog, but let me explain. I live off of my paper calendar-tried to go electronic several years back but met with disaster so back to the paper I went. I love notebooks, notepads, to-do lists, good old-fashioned letter writing. I grew up on it, and I've had no desire to change my ways.
Out of all my paper-loving, probably the greatest love of all is journaling by hand. I love it! I love getting my thoughts down on paper, for a crowd of people or no one's eyes but mine and God's. However, my life started to get in the way of my paper-loving. I'm the mom of two lovely, active, dramatic kids. I'm a full-time mom, part-time teacher, part-time vocalist, part-time student, full-time wife, housekeeper, and kiddo valet. By the time I crawl into bed at night, totally wiped out from the day, even the most exciting events and God-breezes (thanks FlyLady) get shoved to the side in favor of limited, blissful sleep.
Thus enter blogging...
I have to thank my dear new friend Shelley for this habit-she is a woman after God's heart. She has a passion for the word, her family, her friends. She has a heart of gold, and I'm honored to call her my friend.
So....here I am. This is me (thanks Bryan Adams). I'm 30 years old, a native of Illinois, married for almost 9 years. My diva daughter is almost 7, and my divo son is almost 4 (yes, diva and divo can be a good thing). I'm a professional vocalist, singing mainly classical/opera and Christian music. I'm a private voice instructor, and I'm very passionate about vocal health and good sound vocal technique. I love bringing joy to people through my singing and my teaching.
I'm the oldest of three, a child of divorce, raised to work hard and strive to do her best in everything. I found my way back to God through music, and I hope that my story can help others to do the same. I want to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ-I'm definitely a work in progress.
I'm shy in new situations (hey, I'm an opera-loving 30-year-old, so I know I'm wierd), and it takes me some time to feel like I can open up and be accepted.
Right now I'm studying to become a Singing Voice Specialist, which means I can help people with injured singing voices. I may start a doctoral program in a few years-we'll have to see where God leads, right?
Hmm...maybe this computer thing will start to grow on me. Welcome to my musical journey!
That's probably a wierd way to start off a blog, but let me explain. I live off of my paper calendar-tried to go electronic several years back but met with disaster so back to the paper I went. I love notebooks, notepads, to-do lists, good old-fashioned letter writing. I grew up on it, and I've had no desire to change my ways.
Out of all my paper-loving, probably the greatest love of all is journaling by hand. I love it! I love getting my thoughts down on paper, for a crowd of people or no one's eyes but mine and God's. However, my life started to get in the way of my paper-loving. I'm the mom of two lovely, active, dramatic kids. I'm a full-time mom, part-time teacher, part-time vocalist, part-time student, full-time wife, housekeeper, and kiddo valet. By the time I crawl into bed at night, totally wiped out from the day, even the most exciting events and God-breezes (thanks FlyLady) get shoved to the side in favor of limited, blissful sleep.
Thus enter blogging...
I have to thank my dear new friend Shelley for this habit-she is a woman after God's heart. She has a passion for the word, her family, her friends. She has a heart of gold, and I'm honored to call her my friend.
So....here I am. This is me (thanks Bryan Adams). I'm 30 years old, a native of Illinois, married for almost 9 years. My diva daughter is almost 7, and my divo son is almost 4 (yes, diva and divo can be a good thing). I'm a professional vocalist, singing mainly classical/opera and Christian music. I'm a private voice instructor, and I'm very passionate about vocal health and good sound vocal technique. I love bringing joy to people through my singing and my teaching.
I'm the oldest of three, a child of divorce, raised to work hard and strive to do her best in everything. I found my way back to God through music, and I hope that my story can help others to do the same. I want to continue to grow in my relationship with Christ-I'm definitely a work in progress.
I'm shy in new situations (hey, I'm an opera-loving 30-year-old, so I know I'm wierd), and it takes me some time to feel like I can open up and be accepted.
Right now I'm studying to become a Singing Voice Specialist, which means I can help people with injured singing voices. I may start a doctoral program in a few years-we'll have to see where God leads, right?
Hmm...maybe this computer thing will start to grow on me. Welcome to my musical journey!
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