This Little Light of Mine...

Today I headed to Chicago, about an hour drive from my house, for my bi-weekly voice lesson. This time, I got to brave some not-so-hot weather, closed roads, and occasional flooding. Making it safely to my teacher's house, one of my favorite places to be, I headed straight into my lesson.

The lesson wasn't without its challenges. I've been dealing with symptoms of TMJ for a while, which have become more severe this past month. After singing for a while, or singing a lot of higher notes, my jaw muscles begin to flare up. I've been working on the same song pretty much all summer, and while it's slowly been improving, it's been a frustrating process. Today's lesson was my best performance of that aria to date: not anywhere near done, but a marked improvement!

I left my lesson tired, sore, but with a great sense of accomplishment. I had made some progress! This work I've been doing is starting to pay off! And if I buckle down, get more regular with my practicing, and work harder, I can push through these obstacles and make something of this voice.

As I drove back through the city around Lake Shore Drive, happily admiring the cityscape, I was filled with this amazing sense of peace. Flooded with it. I LOVE that feeling of happiness, of satisfaction, of being right with the world. It seems to flow down into every corner of my being. It reaffirms that, as far as my music goes, this is what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be...

I have been going through such a crisis of identity, probably for a very long time. In part, I've not felt that I was good or worthy enough to have my own opinion, my own identity. As I have (very) slowly started to accept the fact that I AM worthy, the issue then becomes a lot bigger:

Who AM I, really?? What am I meant to do? Who am I really meant to be?

Driving into the city today, I remembered to bring my new glasses, finally back from the optometrist (big old thanks to my dog for that). I am simply in love with my glasses-they are the nicest pair I have ever owned, and I've worn glasses since I was 4 years old. I looked at myself in my teacher's bathroom mirror, and in my awesome glasses, favorite grey t-shirt, and dark jeans, I felt like an accurate version of myself. There's more than one: I also feel most myself snazzed up at Lyric Opera, sporting my lorgnette opera glasses and chatting with my sister. I feel myself singing on stage, whether in costume or just nicely pulled together. I feel myself when I'm cuddling with my kids.

I'm trying to remember some of the things that people tell me I'm good at or what they appreciate about me, to help me in this whole search for identity. I'm classy, I work hard, I have high standards. I love researching, reading, organizing, singing. I'm a good listener. I'm trying to run through words in my mind that I would like to say are descriptive of me: sophisticated, fine, pulled together, responsible, honest, smart, friendly. Diva, divine -- and yes, BOTH of those are actually good qualities.

I'm entitled to have my own opinion. I'm allowed to pursue my dreams. I am worthy of discovering my identity, and not only embracing it, but not worrying about being outcast because of it. I may be weird, I may be quirky, but that's part of what makes me ME. And it's time to stop running away from that, time to make the choice to let that shine.