Oh no, I don't want to slow down...

So, I've been walking around in a bit of a daze today. Yesterday was my last day at my job as assistant director of a fine arts school in the 'burbs. If you had asked me a few years ago whether or not my future plans included leaving this job, I would have told you that you were nuts! I love what the school does, what it's about, who we serve...I still do.

So, why leave? Many, many reasons...and I go back and forth every day trying to figure out which reason was the ultimate deal-breaker. I still can't decide, so in no particular order I list family needs, personal needs, professional needs, lack of respect and support, reaching a dead end with what I was able to do there.

For the longest time, I've been raised to believe (or so I think) that I always have to be busy, be striving to do better, to be my best. I started to feel like I had to be doing something to be noticed at all...and to an extent in my life this has proved to be the case. I hold others to a very high expectation, because the ones I hold myself to are even higher. Who cares if they're actually achievable??!! I keep going for them anyway. Who cares if no one else ever lives up to it?! They just need to work harder.

There are a few elements that present in the aftermath of this hyper-achieving. One, which will take whole other posts entirely, is a chronic issue with not feeling "good enough." Since I turned 30 it has boggled my mind to see just how much this issue affects me, in every area of my life. Part of my summer will be spent unpacking this HUGE ailment.

Another issue is that I am almost constantly running out WAY ahead of God, even in (especially in) the areas I feel he has called me: to teach something (voice) and to sing something (classical, Christian, etc). I'm so busy that I have no time to stop and listen, so I call back, "Okay, God, I hear ya! I've got it from here!"

And I take off...and inevitably, in some way, I crash and burn. Since turning 30, I have crashed. Hard. You know (or rather, you SHOULD know) that when everything in your life seems out of sorts, SOMETHING IS OFF. My house is in chaos, my family is bickering, I'm forgetting things, I'm running all over the place. I've put aside the two things I know God has called me to in order to do more of what I've set for myself.

One day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. As I was dropping off my son in a neighboring town to head back to our town (where I had just been) in order to attend a meeting I was already quite late for, THUD. SMACK. "Oh my gosh...I am WAY off track, aren't I?"

It was still a while, however, before I made one of the decisions I needed to make: to leave my job. For a long time, I felt God tell me that I knew EXACTLY what I needed to do...but I just didn't want to do it. And once I finally gave in, once I decided to listen and do the right-but-not-easy thing...then came some peace.

The band Third Day wrote a great song called Slow Down: Tell me to slow down, turn around, and change the way I'm going. Oh no, I don't want to let go of all the things that I know are keeping me away from my life. Oh no, I don't want to slow down, I don't want to look around, but I can't seem to work it out....so help me God!!

Father, forgive me. Please forgive me for always running out so far ahead of you. Help me to STOP. Help me to be still and to wait on you, to wait for you to lead me in those things I feel called to. Help me to find that peace in my life. Tell me to slow down...